Glee meets Glee
by GirlFromGa11ifrey
Summary: What happens when the Glee Club meets the Glee Cast?
1. Chapter 1

The Glee club was assembled in the choir room as usual, waiting for Mr. Shue to get there. They were all chatting to each other, wondering what the surprise Mr. Shue had planned was.

"Alright guys, so we are going on a trip." Declared Mr. Shue as he strode into the choir room.

"Where are we going? Better not be somewhere lame." Said Puck.

"We are going to Paramount Studios." Replied Mr. Shue as he write 'Paramount Studios' on the board. "We are going to meet real actors and singers who perform professionally for TV. This will be very good for all of you to see people who have become successful in this and show you that dreams are achievable if you put your mind to it."

There was an outbreak of chatter. Rachel, Kurt, Mercedes and Tina were discussing who they thought they might meet and what they wanted as their dream for their futures. The others were just discussing what they were going to do in LA and some of them talking about trying to get some of the actors into bed with them (Puck and Santana). Mr. Shue started to hand out forms to all of the Gleeks.

"You need to get these signed and handed back to me by tomorrow. We will be leaving on Friday. As today is Monday you should have enough time to pack. We will be there for a week staying in a hotel a little way away from the studios. We meet at the airport at seven am so you guys will need to be there for that time. We will only have a short while to get completely ready to board the plane. We will only be at the studios for four days of the week so you guys can explore LA for the other three days. And I think that's it. Oh, and you need to pick roommates. Three or four to a room. Kurt, with the girls. Everyone else. Gender rooms. I will be checking" Mr. Shue informed them.

"This is going to be brilliant, do you know how much we can learn from these actors, I mean they actually achieved what we have dreamed of." Said Kurt. "We should get home so that we can get our forms signed and get packing. A week is hardly adequate time to pack, honestly."

"Kurt, only you would take more than a week to pack. Bye Guys." Said Tina.

The rest of them said goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I feel really bad about the short chapters but they will probably be getting longer as I get further into the story as the beginning is a bit hard to write. __**I DO NOT OWN GLEE OR ANYONE INVOLVED IN GLEE**__ in other news I keep forgetting the disclaimers. _

Ryan was going over the script for the new glee episode to check for any mistakes when his radio went off. He got the weirdest news. All of the main glee cast had got on set earlier this morning and had not left the site but then a group of people came up to the gate who were the exact replicas of the actors but also claimed to be the characters from the show. They all had passes to come on site on a school trip. So Ryan let them on site but got security to lock them in one of the buildings they have for meetings and relaxing in. There were security cameras in there. Ryan called a glee cast meeting in the room with the camera feed.

When everyone was there Ryan had since come to the conclusion that the people in the building were actually the characters from glee. He was unsure of how this worked of happened but it was the answer that made the most sense.

"So, guys, we have a small problem." He started off with. "The characters from Glee are somehow alive and real and we have ended up with them locked in one of our meeting/relaxation buildings." Everyone was completely calm and just looked at Ryan as if this was an everyday occurrence.

"Well, why are we in here then? Can't we go to see them?" Chris spoke up.

"Why are you guys accepting this? You should think I'm mad. And no Chris we can't all go in there. Do you know how scary that would be for them?" Ryan replied incredulously.

"Haven't you heard? This has been happening all over. A bunch of other shows have had this as well. We just spend time with them and then they go back to the place they came from and they can't come back." Said Dianna.

"Okay, well… I shall accept that and tell you my plan."

"Well, what is the plan" questioned Cory

"Oh, we send one of the cast in there and show them all of the episodes of Glee. We can communicate through the speaker system and postpone shooting until they are gone. Once they have seen the episodes you guys can spend some time with them and then they can go home. We'll get someone to get their luggage and move their flight back. Oh, and Chris you are going to be the one to go in."

"What, why?"

"Because you were the most eager to go in earlier"

"And, dude, you're like a ninja, right?" interjected Darren.

"Okay, I'll go if I can take my Sai swords."

The Glee club had calmed down somewhat since being locked in the building. They were all sat around the table once they found that the TV wouldn't work and there was nothing else to do. Rachel was currently pacing in front of the wall opposite the door to the room they were in. "Maybe Sue got someone to shut us in here for a plan or a particularly vicious rival glee club." She commented while the rest of the club had given up on trying to convince her that it was probably either a security thing, until they had the actors gathered or that it had happened by accident, which were all much more likely than what Rachel had come up with.

Then there was a knock on the door. They heard a click and then the door started to creak open. The football players crept in front of everyone else as if to protect them from whoever came through the door.

"Hello." A soft slightly familiar voice said as the person it came from crept around the door. "I know that seeing me will probably freak you out a bit but I've come to explain almost everything so please don't hurt me."

"Come to where we can see you." Said Mr. Shue

"Okay" the voice said and out emerged who they thought was Kurt.

"Kurt?" Mr. Shue questioned

"No, I'm still behind you Mr. Shue." Replied Kurt, he edged around the others and stood in front of his counterpart.

"Ah, see this is the confusing bit, I'm Chris Colfer. I am an actor, singer, author, director and probably some other things I've forgotten. A bunch of other people who are watching through the CCTV and I are the cast of a TV show called… Glee." There was utter silence for a moment as Chris let that sink in. "This is a show about and Ohio glee club called the New Directions and you guys are the characters. The characters ending up on set has been going on for a couple of weeks now. We are not sure how or why it happens but we apparently just spend time with you and stuff until you go home then if you do come to paramount studios again it will be the one in you universe or dimension or whatever the heck these places are. I play Kurt so that is why we look and sound the same."

"So, we aren't real?" Sam asked.

"Erm. Not here but you are back home. If you search us up back home I don't think we exist there either, so…" Chris replied uncertainly.

Suddenly the speaker system crackled to life "Chris get on with it." a bored sounding Kevin announced.

"How did you do that Artie?" Said a confused Brittany.

"No that was Kevin McHale" Chris corrected "he plays Artie. It's kind of funny really. I originally auditioned to play Artie but I didn't fit so Ryan, he's the director and writer, wrote an entire character into the script, so Kurt is kind of based of me."

"So you're gay?" Finn asks.

"Yep. Out and Proud. Kurt and I have help so many people like us. Kurt inspired millions of kids who are different to stand up for themselves and learn that it does get better."

"Wow, that's amazing. Is there any major differences between you?" Mr. Shue asked

"Oh tones, it was really only my high school experiences, my awesome comebacks and that I'm gay that went into Kurt."

"Show us a difference." Puck said in an intimidating voice.

"Alright, well apart from fashion sense which I have none of, actually, Kurt, how do you wear those clothes everyday they are really uncomfortable. Anyway I am also a sort of ninja. Watch." Chris declared and pulled his Sai swords out and started spinning them.

The Gleeks were amazed by how fast he could spin them and some of them duck feeling as if they may be hit by a sword at any given moment.

The speaker system came to life again and Darren started speaking "Chris stop showing off and get on with it, Ryan said once you lot are settled down to watch I can come in too. I can bring you stuff Chris."

Chris stopped spinning the sword much to the relief of the glee club and groaned throwing his head back dramatically. "Fine. Come on everyone we have to sit in the TV room because Ryan thinks we have to watch all episodes of Glee until where ever you guys came from so get comfortable."

"Chris has a secret stash of pillows and blankets in there." Darren interrupted.

"BUT THEY AREN'T SECRET ANYMORE, THANKS DARREN. Anyway let's sit down"

Once they were all settled Chris called out "Bring the stuff in my Chewy backpack Okay?".

"Fine, *cough*fussy*cough*" Darren replied.

"I HEARD THAT".


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: So my Mum said that if I didn't get out of my room she would take away my laptop and other electronics so, because I didn't want to deprive you guys of my brilliant writing, I baked some COOKIES! ...And now there's a thunderstorm right over my house and there was lightening and it was really loud and I jumped and shook. Oh look it's going away now. Well that is a fast thunderstorm, should be in the Olympics or something. I have also realised that I've been spelling Mr. Schue as Mr. Shue and I can't be bothered to correct that but please tell me if I made any other mistakes. Also, thanks to an idea from _**_Magicgirl29 _**_I have edited a sentence in the last chapter (At least I think it worked) so that I can show the glee club episodes from past when they came from. I LOVE QUESTIONS, IF YOU HAVE THEM ASK THEM! Questions are like crack to me. So are reviews. *hint**hint*_

Once they were all settled down in a mountain of blankets and cushions, Kurt, Finn and Puck were squished together on the sofa. Finn and Puck seemed to have this weird idea that they had to protect Kurt from Chris, so they smushed him in the middle. Everyone else was in a sort of tangled heap on the floor, apart from Chris who was waiting for Darren and Mr. Schue who thought it would be inappropriate to cuddle with students. They guys had lain Artie down on the floor with his back against the sofa and everyone else had just flopped around and on top of him. Then Chris had thrown all of his blankets and cushions at them and now they had a wonderful nest.

There was a knock on the door and then it opened. Then a brown creature stuck it's head through the gap and said in a really squeaky voice "Special delivery for Chris Colfer". Everyone looked around. The creature retracted its head and then it was replaced by a curly mop of black hair.

"Hey Darren." Said Chris.

"Hey Chris, I hope you don't mind but I looked through your backpack to see what you had in there and what else I should put in there and there is a llama in there."

"ANOTHER ONE, I don't know how they get in there. The keep getting sent to me and it's been months since I said anything about llamas. Damn YouTube. Oh, red vines."

"Chris, are they OK?"

Chris turned to look at the Glee club who were all frozen, staring at Darren's hair. Concerned, Chris said "Hey, Guys this is Darren Criss, he plays Blaine if you hadn't guessed… Are you alright?"

Kurt was the first to speak up "Is that what Blaine's hair looks like without the gel. I just want to run my hands through it. It looks so soft."

Darren and Chris both burst out laughing at that when they realised that the Glee club must not have got to Prom yet. This reminded Chris "What was the last big thing that happened to any member of you guys?"

This time it was Sam who answered. "Well, last week Coach Sylvester restarted the Muckraker and started a bunch of rumours."

"Okay well, let's watch GLEE! Yay. This will be fun." Said Darren from where he had sat down on the edge of the nest with a bunch more cushions and duvets. He dragged Chris into his lap. "Chris, how did you fit all of these in that tiny cupboard? Also, why do you need so many?"

"Where do you think I go when you tell me to stop rehearsing or I'll die from exhaustion?"

"Okay, pause for a sec. Are you two together?" Mercedes burst into the conversation.

"Oh, no, Darren's straight actually. We're just really close as I really liked his work before I knew him but he won't believe me and most of our scenes are together and we have to kiss and things so, yeah otherwise it would be really awkward." Chris replied as Darren had no breath due to laughing so hard.

They all settled back down in the same places as before. There was a brief scuffle between Chris and Darren over the remote to the TV, which no one quite knew where it came from, Chris won as he was already sitting on Darren. Chris clicked the button to turn the TV on while Tina put the first DVD in the DVD player.

_A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short but I need to watch glee to type up what happens __accurately__. It's such a hardship._


	4. Chapter 4: Pilot

**The cheerleading squad, the Cheerios, are practicing routines. They are being watched and timed by Sue Sylvester, their coach. One of the cheerleaders falls from the top of the formation.**

**SUE: You think this is hard? Try being water boarded. That's hard.**

**Will Schuster drives in and parks his clunky car. **

"That is really annoying, Mr. Schue, Would you like me to fix that for you?" Kurt offered.

**He approaches a dumpster where a group of jocks including Puck and Finn Hudson are surrounding Kurt.**

**WILL: Making some new friends, Kurt?**

**PUCK: He sure is, Mr. Schue. **

**WILL: Hey, Finn, you still owe me that report on que hace el verano pasado.**

**FINN: What?**

**WILL: "What you did last summer."**

**FINN: Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue.**

**Mr. Schue leaves.**

**PUCK: It's hammer time!**

**PUCK and another jock pick Kurt up with minimal struggle.**

**KURT: Please, this is from Marc Jacobs' new collection!**

**FINN: Wait.**

**The jocks release Kurt. He takes off his jacket and hands it to Finn after handing his bag to another jock.**

**FINN: Okay.**

**Puck and the other jock toss Kurt into the dumpster. Finn seems troubled.**

"Wait, how often did that happen Kurt?" Mr. Schue asked, concerned.

"Every day until Puck joined Glee."

"How didn't I notice it?"

"You didn't want to." This caused Mr. Schue to think hard about how much bullying must have been missed by the teachers.

**Mr. Schue stands in front of a trophy display, admiring a first-place trophy that WMHS won at the 1993 Show Choir Championships. Next, he looks at a plaque awarded to LILIAN ADLER (1937-1997) with the quote "By its very definition, Glee is about opening yourself up to joy."**

**Mr. Ryerson and Hank Saunders are singing "Where Is Love?" from Oliver! Together. Rachel is watching, upset.**

**EMMA: Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?**

**WILL: Really? Well, who's going to take over Glee Club?**

**EMMA: Don't know.**

**Principal Figgins and Mr. Schue are seated across from each other.**

**WILL: I'd like to take over Glee Club.**

**FIGGINS: You want to captain the Titanic, too?**

"Well, he's nice." Said Darren.

**WILL: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a Myspace page.**

**FIGGINS: 60 bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up.**

**WILL: And you-you expect me to pay it?**

**FIGGINS: I'm certainly not going to pay for it. We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again, you can have all the money you want. Until then, 60 bucks a month. And you've got to use the costumes and props you already have. But we need the stools for wood shop.**

**Mrs. Schuster is asleep. Mr. Schue lies wide awake.**

**WILL: (voice over) Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was going to be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I going to get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure, we needed a new name.**

**Mr. Schue sits up, excited.**

**WILL: "New Directions!"**

"Great choice of name, Mr. Schue. Did you not think of the mispronunciations?" Chris told the Glee Director.

**Mercedes walks up to the New Directions sign-up sheet and writes down her name.**

**Mercedes is on stage.**

**MERCEDES: My name is Mercedes Jones and I'm singing…**

**Mercedes sings Aretha Franklin's "Respect".**

**Kurt walks up to the sign-up sheet and writes down his name.**

**Kurt is on stage.**

**KURT: Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing "Mr. Cellophane".**

**Kurt sings "Mr. Cellophane" from Chicago.**

**Tina writes down her name on the sign-up sheet with Artie beside her.**

**Tina is on stage.**

**TINA: (stuttering) Tina C. "I Kissed a Girl."**

**Tina sings Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl".**

**Rachel approaches the sign-up sheet and writes down her name.**

**Rachel is on stage.**

**RACHEL: Hi, my name is Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing "On My Own" from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis.**

**WILL: Fantastic, let's hear it.**

**Rachel starts singing "On My Own" from Les Miserables.**

**Rachel applies a gold star sticker to the end of her name on the sign-up sheet.**

**RACHEL: (voice over) You might laugh because every time I sign my name, I put a gold star after it. But it's a metaphor and metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star.**

**Puck throws a slushie in Rachel's face.**

**Rachel is walking down the hallway in a rush.**

**RACHEL: (voice over) And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved. That's cockpoopie.**

**Rachel is crying to FIGGINS.**

**RACHEL: He was touching Hank, caressing him. It was so wrong!**

**Figgins hands her a tissue. Rachel dabs at her cheeks, smiling.**

**Rachel is admiring a photo of two men on the door of her locker.**

**RACHEL: (voice over) I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing.**

**A young Rachel dances wildly.**

**RACHEL: (voice over) My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons, anything to give me a competitive edge.**

**Rachel is looking at her laptop.**

**RACHEL: (voice over) You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this, but my Myspace schedule keeps me way too busy to date.**

**Rachel sets up a video recorder on a tripod and starts to sing.**

**RACHEL: (voice over) I try to post a Myspace video every day, just to keep my talent alive and growing. Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one's just gonna hand it to you.**

**Rachel uploads a video of her singing.**

**Quinn, Santana, and other Cheerios are watching Rachel's video and laughing. Quinn writes a comment that says "If I were your parents, I would sell you back." Another comment reads "I'm going to scratch out my eyes." Another says "Please get sterilized."**

**Rachel reads the comments.**

**Rachel's audition continues.**

**WILL: Very nice, Rachel.**

**RACHEL: When do we start rehearsals?**

**Rachel, Tina, Mercedes, Kurt, and Artie are rehearsing "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" from Guys and Dolls. Mr. Schue is directing. They are terrible.**

**RACHEL: We suck.**

**WILL: Uh, it… It'll get there. We-we just need to keep rehearsing.**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuster, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?**

**ARTIE: I think Mr. Schue is using irony to enhance the performance.**

**RACHEL: There is nothing ironic about show choir!**

**Rachel storms out.**

**WILL: Rachel… Rachel!**

**Sue is yelling at her Cheerios. Rachel is watching from the bleachers.**

**SUE: That's sloppy! You're sloppy babies! It's just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes! Uh-uh, Lance, don't you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How's it feel to be the weak link, huh?! That can't feel very good!**

**Mr. Schue enters. He sits down behind Rachel on the bleachers.**

**WILL: You changed out of your costume.**

**RACHEL: I'm tired of being laughed at.**

**WILL: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price.**

**RACHEL: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away, and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.**

**WILL: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.**

**RACHEL: Everybody hates me.**

**WILL: And you think Glee Club is going to change that?**

"Thanks Mr. Schue. It's nice to know what you thought of the club before the club even properly started." Said Rachel.

**RACHEL: Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally.**

**WILL: Maybe I can coach Artie a little.**

**RACHEL: Look, Mr. Schue, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much.**

**Ken blows his whistle to get their attention.**

**KEN: Schuster! Figgins wants you!**

**Figgins is punching away at his calculator.**

**WILL: But we just started rehearsals.**

**FIGGINS: My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town. They're paying me ten bucks a head.**

**WILL: If we show at regionals, Glee stays; if not, the bar's open on the auditorium.**

**FIGGINS: What is it with you and this club? You've got only five kids—one of them's a cripple.**

**WILL: Then I guess you've got nothing to worry about.**

**FIGGINS: Fine.**

**WILL: Yes!**

**FIGGINS: But you're running detention for free to make it up to me.**

**WILL: Deal.**

**Mr. Schue sees Sandy in the next aisle of Sheets N' Things. He is speaking to a Sheets N' Things employee.**

**SANDY: Of course, towels have a thread count, Mister… Sheets N' Things. What do you do? I read catalogues. I know these things. Anything under a 400 thread count, and I could break out in impetigo. It's simple to understand.**

**Mr. Schue tries to sneak past Sandy.**

**SANDY: William?**

**WILL: Sandy? Hey.**

**SANDY: Well, hello. How are things? I hear you have taken over Glee Club.**

**WILL: Yeah. I… hope you're not too upset.**

**SANDY: Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair: best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy at first. Being dismissed, and for what I was accused of. My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me. Oh God, don't you love a good monkey? Took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown.**

**WILL: Did they put you on medication?**

**SANDY: Better: medical marijuana. It's genius. I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I'm having trouble sleeping, and he gives me all of it I want. I'm finding the whole system quite lucrative.**

**WILL: You're a drug dealer?**

**SANDY: Oh, yeah… make five times more than when I was a teacher.**

**SANDY: I keep some for myself, and then I take money baths in the rest.**

**WILL: Who-who do you sell it to?**

**Sandy gives Ken a packet of marijuana in exchange for money.**

**Sandy holds up a packet of marijuana labelled The Chronic Lady.**

**SANDY: You want in?**

**WILL: Uh, no… I mean, I tried it once in college, but Terri and I are trying to get pregnant, so…**

"Were you actually going to take it if you and your wife weren't trying for a baby" Puck questioned.

"No, I just needed an excuse because he is creepy and annoying and wouldn't go away." Mr. Schue answered defensively.

**Sandy puts the packet into Will's pocket.**

**SANDY: Do my own packaging, and the first sample is free.**

**WILL: Sandy, no.**

**SANDY: Come on, you are the one who are coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You're going to need it.**

"Oh, THAT'S NICE!" The whole glee club, Chris and Darren all shouted together then burst out laughing.

**Sheets N' Things employee returns with a toilet cover.**

**SANDY: This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. (To WILL) Call me. (To EMPLOYEE) Come on. What's the matter with you? This is terrible.**

**Mr. Schue is jogging alongside Ken's golf cart.**

**WILL: I just want to talk to them.**

**KEN: I don't know, dude. I can't see any of my guys wanting to join Glee Club. Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows just because he watched Grey's Anatomy.**

**WILL: Look, all I'm looking for is an introduction.**

**KEN: Fine. You got to put a good word in for me with Emma.**

** Mr. Schue goes to talk to Sue in her office.**

**SUE: If you really care about these kids, you'll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand, so let your little Glee kids have their little club, but don't pretend that any of them are something they're not.**

**Ken is standing at the front of the room with Mr. Schue. The football team is scattered around the locker room.**

**KEN: Circle up. Mr. Schuster is going to talk to you. If you don't listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it? They're all yours, Will.**

**WILL: Thanks, Ken. Hey, guys, how you doing? Uh, I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class, but, uh, I'm… I'm here today to talk to you about something different: music. Glee Club needs guys.**

**PUCK: I can sing.**

**WILL: Really? That's fantastic.**

**PUCK: You wanna hear?**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**Puck walks to the front of the locker room amid applause from the other football players. He lets out a loud fart.**

**PUCK: Ohhh yeah.**

**WILL: I'm going to put the sign-up sheet at the door to the so if anyone wants to sign up, please… Thank you.**

**KEN: Dismissed. Puck, in my office in five minutes.**

**WILL: You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little bloodshot.**

**KEN: I got allergies.**

**WILL: Okay. Thanks a lot.**

**The New Directions sign-up sheet has three names: Gaylord Weiner, Butt Lunch, and Penis. Mr. Schue stares at the sheet, dismayed.**

**WILL: (voice over) I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief fever dream that was "New Directions".**

**Mr. Schue hears someone singing REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling". He finds Finn in the showers, singing to himself. Mr. Schue stands watching Finn in the shower.**

"Well, that's not creepy at all Mr. Schue." Commented Sam while Finn looked a bit mortified that his teacher had watched him singing in the shower.

**WILL: (voice over) I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place. It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn't even know they had. It was pure talent. What I did then… was the blackest moment of my life.**

**Mr. Schue shows Finn the packet of marijuana that Sandy gave him.**

"MR. SCHUE!" was the response to this revelation. Mr. Schue at least looked guilty.

**WILL: You want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?**

**FINN: I don't even know who the Chronic Lady is.**

**WILL: Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have mandatory bi-weekly afternoon locker checks.**

**FINN: But I've never seen that before, Mr. Schue, I swear. It's not mine. I'll pee in a cup. I'll pee.**

**WILL: Look, it… it wouldn't make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony. Yeah. Look, you'll get kicked out of school. You'll lose your football scholarship.**

**FINN: Wait… I had a football scholarship? To… to where?**

**WILL: You could land in prison, son.**

**FINN: Oh my God. Please, don't tell my mom.**

**WILL: Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it's like to struggle to make good life choices, and I don't want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you, Finn.**

**FINN: (voice over) That really got to me when Mr. Schuster said that, because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confident and everything, but I really struggle with the same thing others kids do: peer pressure.**

***Flashback***

**A young Finn looks at a photograph of his father.**

**FINN: (voice over) I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time.**

**Young Finn plays the drums. FINN's mother CAROLE HUDSON is trying to talk on the phone.**

**CAROLE: Hold on, hold on. Finn, Finn, Finn! Please, I'm on the phone. I just want to trade next Saturday's shift for this Saturday, because Finn's got a parents night for Cub Scouts.**

**FINN: (voice over) My mom and me, we're real close, but being a single parent can be hard. The only good time for Mom was when we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams.**

**Emerald Dreams employee Darren is spraying the Hudsons' front lawn. Young Finn is helping him. Carole is sitting close by.**

**FINN: (voice over) Darren was good to her, and he was cool about letting me hang out.**

"WHY DOES HE HAVE MY NAME?!" Exclaimed Darren.

"Why are you so touchy about other people with your name? And try to tone down the loudness, I'm sitting on your lap so that was right in my ear." Said Chris.

**Young Finn and Darren sing Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'".**

**FINN: (voice over) That was the first time I really heard music. Man, it set my soul on fire.**

**DARREN: You got a voice, buddy. Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together. Stick with it.**

**Darren drives by with his new girlfriend.**

**FINN: (voice over) My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pick & Save.**

**Carole throws a milk jug at DARREN's truck, upset.**

"That was effective." Quinn commented.

"Hey, leave my mum alone, she was upset." Fin defended.

**FINN: (voice over) It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me. To make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it.**

***End Flashback***

**WILL: We have two options here. I'm running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school, but that's gonna remain on your permanent record.**

**FINN: What's the other option, Mr. Schue?**

**Finn starts singing "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. Rachel perks up and joins in, excited. After a moment, Mercedes breaks them up.**

**MERCEDES: Oh, hell to the no. Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense. I'm Beyoncé. I ain't no Kelly Rowland.**

**WILL: Okay, look, Mercedes, it's just one song.**

**KURT: And it's the first time we've been kind of good.**

"Thank you for your support, Kurt" Said Mr. Schue smugly.

**MERCEDES: Okay, you're good, white boy. I'll give you that. But you better bring it. Let's run it again.**

**WILL: All right, let's do it. From the top.**

** Ken is staring at Emma while shredding papers. Emma is staring at Mr. Schue, who is putting up a sign-up sheet for chaperones. Once Mr. Schue leaves, Emma walks up to the sheet and puts her name down.**

**Puck is throwing footballs at another football player's head. He notices Ken yelling at Finn.**

**KEN: You're the quarterback! No. I don't want to hear it. You make your decision. You're a football player, or you're a singer.**

**Finn walks by. Puck catches up to him.**

**PUCK: Hey. What's going on?**

**FINN: Oh. I just… I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It's, uh… it's my mom. I got to help her… cook and, uh, do things.**

**PUCK: Why?**

**FINN: She just had, uh, surgery.**

**PUCK: What kind of surgery?**

**FINN: Uh, well, she, um, had to have her prostate out.**

"Well done Finn, women don't have prostates." Said Kurt, earning a hit round the head from Finn, messing up his hair. "You do NOT touch the HAIR, Finn, we've been over this."

**PUCK: Man, that's a tough break.**

**FINN: Yeah, it's, uh, engorged.**

**Ken and Will in**

**KEN: You stole my quarterback.**

**WILL: Okay, look. Finn's got a great voice. He just wants to express himself.**

**KEN: You're screwing up my life.**

**WILL: Okay, Ken? You hate football. What's this really about?**

**Emma is disinfecting the door handle of her car. Ken approaches.**

**KEN: Hey, M&M. So, I got tickets to Monster Trucks this weekend. Luge tickets.**

**EMMA: No thanks. Not really my thing.**

**KEN: Truckzilla versus Truckasaurus, and get this: the trucks breathe fire.**

**EMMA: Ken. Look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you that I'm on my period?**

**KEN: Which doesn't bother me.**

**EMMA: Or I'm suffering from cluster headaches, or I'm allergic to night-time? Those things—not really true. I'm just not interested in dating you.**

**KEN: How do I get you… into my hatchback?**

**EMMA: Okay, Ken, fine, you know what, make me say it: I like somebody else. All right? Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but—**

**Ken licks his hand and rubs it all over Emma's car door handle.**

**Ken and Mr. Schue are in the teachers' lounge.**

**KEN: You're right. I'm overreacting. The herd will take care of it.**

**WILL: The herd?**

**KEN: The student body. The second someone tries to rise above - be different - the herd pulls them back in. So. Oh, and by the way, thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh? Adios, amigo.**

**At Carmel High School, Rachel and Finn are in line for snacks. Mr. Schue and Emma are behind them.**

**RACHEL: You're very talented.**

**FINN: Really?**

**RACHEL: Yeah. I would know. I'm very talented, too. I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead, and me, the stunning young ingénue everyone roots for.**

**FINN: Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend.**

**RACHEL: Really? Who?**

**FINN: Quinn Fabray.**

**RACHEL: Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the Celibacy Club?**

***Flashback***

**Finn and Quinn are making out. Finn reaches down to touch Quinn's butt. Quinn stops him and sits up.**

**QUINN: Wait. Let's pray.**

***End Flashback***

**FINN: For almost four months now. She's cool. Mmm, I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids.**

**Rachel and Finn move forward in line.**

**WILL: Those kielbasas look like they've been in there a while.**

**EMMA: Do you want to go halvsies on a PB and J?**

**WILL: That sounds perfect.**

**EMMA: Yeah?**

**WILL: Yeah. Let's go. (To people in line) Sorry. Excuse me.**

**Mr. Schue and Emma sit down together.**

**WILL: I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a really long time.**

**EMMA: Really?**

**WILL: Yeah. My wife's allergic to nuts.**

**EMMA: Well, that's really sweet, though—not eating something because she can't.**

**WILL: Oh, yeah.**

**EMMA: It's really nice. Oh, that's really noisy. But they're clean.**

**Emma gives Mr. Schue half of her sandwich.**

**WILL: Oh, my gosh.**

**EMMA: How, um… How long have you two been married?**

**WILL: Mm, five years last March.**

**EMMA: Really?**

**WILL: Yeah. But we've been together since high school. I mean, she was my first girlfriend, actually.**

**EMMA: Was it love at first sight?**

**WILL: For me it was. I don't know. She used to be filled with so much joy.**

**EMMA: And now?**

**The lights flicker.**

**WILL: Oh. Showtime. You don't want to hear about my marital problems.**

**EMMA: Oh, no, I do. I-I do. I mean, I-I'd love to hear. You… I mean, I'm not happy that you have marital problems, but people talk to me a lot 'cause I'm a guidance counsellor.**

**WILL: Okay, here's the thing. Terri rides me hard **("WHAT" from everyone but Mr. Schue who does not see the innuendo), **and I've always appreciated it. I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what? Making money? Being upwardly mobile? I don't know. I-I love her. Don't get me wrong. We just got to get back on the same page.**

**EMMA: Do you like the sandwich?**

**WILL: Oh my God, it's like the best I've ever had.**

**Mr. Schue, Emma, and the New Directions are seated together, about to watch Carmel High's glee club perform. Mr. Schue leans over to the others.**

**WILL: Hey, guys, so this is supposed to be our competition, but, uh, I honestly don't think that they've got the talent that we've got. But let's be a good audience, all right? Give 'em some of that old McKinley High respect.**

**ANNOUNCER: Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome to last year's regional champions, Vocal Adrenaline!**

**Vocal Adrenaline performs Amy Winehouse's "Rehab". It is amazing. Everyone cheers. New Directions is stunned.**

**TINA: We're d-d-doomed.**

**Finn walks past a group of Carmel High drummers. Puck and a few football players are waiting for him around the corner with paintball guns.**

**PUCK: Chicks don't have prostates. I looked it up. You broke the rules, Finn, and for that, you must be punished.**

**The football players hold up their paintball guns and surround Finn.**

**FINN: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You've got the power here, okay? You-you don't have to do this.**

**The football players open fire.**

**Mr. Schue enters his apartment. Terri is waiting for him with champagne. A banner that reads "Congratulations" is hanging in the doorway.**

**TERRI: There's my baby.**

**WILL: Wow, honey. This is amazing. What-what's the congratulations for? The kids haven't won anything yet.**

**TERRI: I'm pregnant.**

**WILL: Really?**

**TERRI: Yeah.**

**WILL: Terri, don't mess with me. Oh my God, this is amazing. We're going to be a family. Oh my God. Oh! Can't believe it.**

**Mr. Schue is breaking the bad news to the New Directions.**

**ARTIE: You're leaving us? When?**

**WILL: Well, I've given my two weeks' notice, but I promise I'm gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go.**

**MERCEDES: Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good? Because we can work harder.**

**RACHEL: This isn't fair, Mr. Schuster. We can't do this without you.**

**FINN: So does that mean that I don't have to be in the club anymore or…?**

**WILL: This isn't about you guys. Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It's not like high school. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love. One day you guys are going to grow up and understand that. I have loved being your teacher.**

**Mr. Schue is packing up his things. He picks up his guitar and starts singing John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane".**

**Mr. Schue fills out a job application for H.W. Menken.**

**In the teacher's lounge Emma overhears other teachers talking about Mr. Schue.**

**TEACHER: I heard he's having a baby. That's why he gave Figgins his notice.**

**In Mr. Schue's classroom he finishes filling out his job application. Emma walks up to him.**

**EMMA: Need help grading those papers?**

**WILL: It's actually an application for H.W. Menken. They're hiring. Come on. Accounting is sexy. **("ERM. No it's not. Where have you been?") **I'll miss you.**

**EMMA: Before you leave, can you do me a favour?**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**EMMA: I made an appointment for you tomorrow in the career centre. You need some guidance.**

**WILL: I'm having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits.**

**EMMA: Just come, Will, for me.**

**Finn shuts his locker and finds Rachel standing there.**

**RACHEL: Didn't see you at Glee Club today.**

**FINN: Is that still happening?**

**RACHEL: I've taken over. I'm interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent.**

**Quinn and Santana approach.**

**QUINN: Hi, Finn. (To RACHEL) RuPaul.**

**FINN: Hey.**

**QUINN: What are you doing talking to her?**

**RACHEL: Science project—we're partners.**

**QUINN: Christ Crusaders tonight at 5, my house.**

**FINN: Sounds great.**

**Quinn and Santana leave.**

**FINN: Look, I-I should go. I can't do Glee anymore. It conflicts with…**

**RACHEL: Your reputation? You've really got something, Finn, and you're throwing it away.**

**FINN: I-I'm going to be late.**

**RACHEL: You can't keep worrying about what people think of you, Finn. You're better than all of them.**

**Football players are practicing. Finn and Puck are talking.**

**PUCK: What do you want me to do, apologize? That's not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me. I just don't understand why you did it.**

**FINN: Schuster told me it'd give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club, okay? I… I didn't have a choice. If I failed another class, I'd be off the team. Look, it's over, okay? I quit. Anything else?**

**PUCK: No, that's it. And as a welcome back to the world of the normal… I got you a present.**

**Puck walks ahead. Finn hears a sound.**

**FINN: What's that noise?**

**Artie is trapped inside a portable toilet.**

"GUYS!" Mr. Schue reprimanded.

"Yeah that would have been helpful back then Mr. Schue. Not so much now." Artie said.

**ARTIE: Help, help! Help!**

**Finn walks up to the group of portable toilets. Puck and other football players are standing nearby.**

**FINN: What's going on?**

**PUCK: We got that wheelchair kid inside. We're going to flip it.**

**FINN: Isn't that kind of dangerous?**

**PUCK: He's already in a wheelchair. Come on, dude, we saved you the first roll.**

**Finn shakes his head. He opens the portable toilet and pulls Artie out.**

**ARTIE: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my God, the smell.**

**PUCK: What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser.**

**FINN: Don't you get it, man? We're all losers—everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college, and two will leave the state to do it. I'm not afraid of being called a loser 'cause I can accept that that's what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life.**

**PUCK: So what? Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?**

**FINN: No. I'm doing both. 'Cause you can't win without me and neither can they.**

**Finn wheels Artie away. In the distance, Darren, the Emerald Dreams employee from Finn's childhood is spraying the football field and singing Journey.**

**Rachel and the rest of New Directions are arguing in the auditorium when Finn wheels Artie in.**

**RACHEL: Look, you guys, these steps are not hard. I've been doing them since preschool.**

**KURT: I'm sorry, did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you.**

"Nice one Kurt." Congratulated Darren.

**RACHEL: I know what I'm talking about. I won my first dance competition when I was three months old.**

**KURT: (to FINN) This is a closed rehearsal.**

**FINN: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people.**

**RACHEL: That was you?**

**KURT: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.**

**FINN: I know.**

**KURT: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.**

**FINN: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry. Look, that isn't who I am, and I'm tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was like, the lamest thing on Earth, and maybe it is, but… we're all here for the same reason—'cause we want to be good at something. Artie, you play guitar, right? Think you could recruit the jazz band?**

**ARTIE: I do have pull there.**

**FINN: All right. Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have to be cool. Can you do that?**

**MERCEDES: Damn, don't you see what I got on?**

**FINN: Rachel, you can do choreography. Tina, what are you good at? **

**TINA: I-I…**

**FINN: We'll figure something out for you.**

**MERCEDES: And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?**

**FINN: I've got the music.**

**In the teacher's Mr. Schue and Emma are sitting together at a table.**

**EMMA: I want to show you something. I did a little research… and this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at nationals.**

**Emma plays the tape for Mr. Schue.**

**EMMA: Do you know who that is? That's you, Will. That's you happier than I've ever seen you.**

**WILL: That was the greatest moment of my life.**

**EMMA: Why?**

**WILL: Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were going to win. Being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I've felt that way since then was when Terri told me I was going to be a father. No. No, I need to provide for my family.**

**EMMA: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about?**

**In the hallway Mr. Schue is walking away when he hears music from the auditorium.**

**In the auditorium the New Directions perform Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'". Mr. Schue watches them perform. Sue, Quinn, and Santana watch from the rafters. Puck from one of the exits. When they're done, Mr. Schue claps.**

**WILL: Good, guys. It's a nine. We need a ten. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high "B."**

**FINN: So does this mean you're staying?**

**WILL: It would kill me to see you win nationals without me. From the top.**


	5. Chapter 5: Showmance

_A/N: Thank you to __**ForeverEva123 **__for telling me about the formatting error in the previous chapter. I am editing out parts of the episodes if you hadn't spotted that already because there would be too much and I find some bits boring anyway._

"Well, shall we watch the next one? It should be a tiny bit less boring as it goes on. This is pretty much just introducing you guys and you all probably know most of this." Chris said and then he pushed the play button on the remote as he was still being held captive by Darren.

**Mr. Schue pulls into the school parking lot in his car. His license plate reads "glee." He exits the car and walks toward the school. Rachel approaches and walks alongside him.**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester!**

**WILL: Yeah?**

**RACHEL: I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.**

**WILL: Thanks, Rach, but I already got one picked out.**

**Finn appears at Rachel's side, reaching out to wheel her schoolbag for her. Mr. Schue falls behind.**

**FINN: Let me help you with that.**

**RACHEL: Thanks, Finn. You're so chivalrous.**

**FINN: Thanks. That's a good thing, right?**

**Mr. Schue moves to walk alongside Mercedes, Artie, and Tina.**

**WILL: Morning, guys.**

**MERCEDES: Hey, Mr. Schue. We're just learning some runs.**

**WILL: Oh, yeah?**

**MERCEDES: So it goes- (vocalizing)**

**WILL, TINA, and ARTIE: (vocalizing)**

**WILL: With the finger, huh?**

**MERCEDES: Pretty fly for a white guy.**

**WILL: Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon.**

"Wow, I never noticed how much better things got for us when we joined Glee and made some more friends." Mercedes commented.

"For you, maybe" Kurt muttered quietly, although everyone heard.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"I'm sure you'll see in a minute."

**MERCEDES: Okay.**

**WILL: All right.**

**Mr. Schue separates from the three and continues walking toward the school. Puck, Kurt, and five male students in letterman jackets are standing in front of the dumpster. Puck has his arm around Kurt.**

**WILL: Morning, Kurt.**

**PUCK: Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue.**

**Kurt watches Mr. Schue pass with apprehension.**

**WILL: (chuckling) Hey! Let's go Titans.**

**PUCK: Yeah. Come on (To KURT).**

**KURT: Wait.**

**Kurt throws his bag into the arms of a jock.**

**KURT: One day, you will all work for me.**

**Puck and another student lift Kurt and toss him into the dumpster.**

"Why don't you fight back?" Mike asked.

"Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not the strongest person. Definitely not strong enough to fight off a football team. Struggling just makes it worse so I let them do it and toss insults at them that they don't understand. Obviously I was younger then, so my insults aren't up to scratch." Kurt replied casually. Everyone just sat in silence. The football guys were ashamed, the others were shocked into silence that Kurt talked about this like it was normal. The only one doing anything was Chris who put his hand on Kurt's shoulder and had an understanding look on his face. Then it hit everyone that Chris had been through this as well and not just playing Kurt but through his high school experience too.

**Mr. Schue walks down the hall and turns to address a student.**

**WILL: Diana, thank you so much for that apple. It was very, very nice of you. All right? (Chuckles)**

**Emma stands at the top of the stairs, looking at her watch before rounding the corner. She approaches Mr. Schue as he walks toward her with his head down, and they collide.**

**WILL: Oh!**

**EMMA: (gasping) Oh, Will! Oh, gosh.**

**WILL: Hey, Emma.**

**EMMA: Hi.**

**WILL: Hey. I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club – It's where I belong.**

**EMMA: Oh, it's no problem. I mean, it's what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I'm a guidance counsellor.**

**WILL: Yeah, you are.**

**EMMA: Oh, look. We match. Periwinkle.**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**Santana and Quinn appear at the top of the stairs and walk by. Santana rolls her eyes.**

**SANTANA: (sardonically) Get a room.**

**QUINN: Ms. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn't like to be kept waiting.**

**WILL: You got it.**

**Mr. Schue chuckles nervously.**

** The school bell rings. Mr. Schue opens the door to Coach Sylvester's office.**

**WILL: Hey, Sue. You want to see me?**

**SUE: Hey, buddy. Come on in.**

**Sue, dismounting the elliptical she had been using, wipes her face with a towel.**

**SUE: (groans) I just blasted my hammies.**

**WILL: Oh.**

**SUE: (laughs) Iron tablet?**

**Sue tosses a bottle of pills to Mr. Schue.**

**WILL: Uh-**

**SUE: Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.**

**WILL: I don't menstruate.**

**SUE: Yeah? Neither do I. So, I had a little chat with Principle Figgins and he said that if your group doesn't place at regionals, he's cutting the program. (Sarcastically) Ouch.**

**WILL: You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're gonna be fine.**

**SUE: Really? 'Cause I was at the local library, where I read ****_Cheerleading Today _****aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner.**

**Sue walks over to her desk and retrieves a book, displaying the cover to Will.**

**SUE: ****_Show Choir Rule Book. _****And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five and a half. Here.**

**Sue hands Mr. Schue the book.**

**SUE: (explaining her earlier comment) Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special Ed classes for you. Maybe you could find some recruits.**

"Oh, that's low Sue" Artie said.

**Sue hands Mr. Schue a slip of paper and picks up a pair of hand weights. She lifts them into the air repeatedly while continuing the conversation.**

**SUE: 'Cause I'm not sure there's anybody else who's gonna wanna swim over to your island of misfit toys.**

**WILL: Are you threatening me, Sue?**

**SUE: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha.**

**Sue sets the weights down.**

**SUE: Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me.**

**Mr. Schue stifles a chuckle.**

**SUE: So here's the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it. It's time. And then I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates. It'll be very rewarding work for you.**

**WILL: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to be the cock of the walk around here.**

**SUE: Offensive.**

**WILL: But it looks like your Cheerios are gonna have some competition. We're gonna show at regionals. You have my word on that.**

**Mr. Schue tosses the pills back to Sue and opens the door.**

**WILL: Have a good day.**

**Mr. Schue exits. Sue smiles to herself.**

**The bell rings. Quinn and Finn are having a conversation as Finn retrieves books from his locker. Rachel is at her own locker a few feet from them, facing away. She angles a small mirror in her hand to watch the exchange behind her.**

**QUINN: We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years.**

**FINN: Yeah, I know.**

**QUINN: Prom king and queen. Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself.**

"That's nice Quinn." Tina said.

"Hey, back then I only had popularity. If I didn't have that I had nothing. Not even friends because everyone thought they knew me already so no one tried to get to know me." Quinn replied, slightly heatedly.

**FINN: Look, you're making too big a deal out of this.**

**Rachel closes her mirror and settles for listening intently.**

**QUINN: Okay. Let's compromise. If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast.**

**FINN: Under the shirt?**

**QUINN: Over the bra.**

**Finn pauses, momentarily conflicted.**

**FINN: No. No, I can't.**

"Wait, you had to think about it? Great show of loyalty." Mercedes asked, slightly offended.

"Well… I am a teenage boy. What did you expect?"

Every girl, Kurt and Chris huffed and thought that they should give up on boys.

**Quinn scoffs.**

**FINN: I want to do Glee. I'm really happy when I'm performing.**

**QUINN: People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.**

**FINN: Look. I- I gotta go to class. Okay? Just relax. Everything's gonna work out.**

**Finn closes his locker and exits.**

**QUINN: (To RACHEL) Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him. You can sing with him. But you will never have him.**

**RACHEL: I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection. But I'm an honourable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it.**

**Rachel turns to walk away and two slushies are promptly thrown in her face. Puck and another jock, the culprits, high five each other as they walk away.**

**PUCK: Awesome.**

**JOCK: Holler!**

**The bell rings.**

**The Glee Club are singing and dancing to "Le Freak" by Chic. Mr. Schue critiques them as they perform.**

**WILL: Energy, guys! It's disco. Good with the hands. John Travolta hands. All right. We're freaking out. Let's go. And up and out and down. Good. Good. Good. Good, guys.**

**Rachel kicks out her leg while dancing, coming uncomfortably close to Mercedes' face.**

**MERCEDES: (To RACHEL) Whoa, whoa! Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you! (To WILL) And, also, this song is terrible.**

**WILL: No, no, no. It's not the song. You guys just need to get into it.**

**KURT: (annoyed) No, it's the song. It's really gay.**

"Kurt, that was slightly homophobic of you." Darren said while tugging Chris closer.

"I know, I was covering, that was the point." Kurt said huffily.

"I understand." Chris said while trying to get Darren to lessen his grip. To which Darren just held on tighter until Chris gave up.

**ARTIE: We need modern music, Mr. Schue.**

**WILL: I'm sorry, guys. We don't have time to discuss this. We're doing this song this Friday at the pep assembly.**

**TINA: (incredulously) In front of the whole school?**

**WILL: (mistaking her outburst for excitement) Exactly.**

**KURT: They're gonna throw food at us. And I just had a facial.**

"You are terrible at hiding the fact that you're gay. You could keep the clothes but don't mention the facial. Really" Chris said. "Even I was better at this than you."

**RACHEL: I'll press charges if that happens.**

**WILL: Guys. I can't express to you how important this assembly is.**

**Finn appears terrified. Rachel looks at him with concern. The rest of the club are visibly upset.**

**WILL: We need recruits. There are six of you. We need twelve to qualify for regionals. We have no choice or the club is over. I know you guys don't like this song, but we took nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out." It's a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.**

**FINN: I'm dead.**

**Rachel continues to look concerned as the rest of the club move away.**

**The realtor leads Terri and Mr. Schue through the house that they are looking to buy for the baby.**

**REALTOR: This banister was made by Ecuadorean children.**

**Terri gasps in excitement.**

"WHAT! Why is she excited by that?" Artie said.

"Even I think that's wrong" Said Santana.

"That is not something you should say to prospective buyers." Darren commented.

"Well, the equation children need something to do, don't they?" Brittany chimed in.

Everyone just looked at her oddly and thought: it's just Brittany.

**WILL: It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price.**

**TERRI: I'm not raising my baby in a used house. They're not clean.**

**They enter the kitchen and Terri gasps.**

**TERRI: Look at the sun nook. Isn't it beautiful?**

**WILL: Is it extra?**

**REALTOR: Mm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model. Everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra 14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24.**

**Mr. Schue sighs at the price.**

**REALTOR: I'll let you two talk.**

**TERRI: Thank you.**

**WILL: Thank you. Hmm. We can't afford this.**

**TERRI: We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee's and we won't run the A.C. for the first couple of summers.**

**WILL: Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew, we'll lose everything. You need to pick one.**

**TERRI: (chuckles) Come with me. I'm gonna show you something really special.**

**Mr. Schue and Terri are standing in the doorway of a bedroom decorated for a little girl.**

**TERRI: This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on shows for me.**

"Well, at least she's not homophobic." Said Chris.

Everyone turned to stare at him so he shrugged and hid his face in Darren's shoulder.

**WILL: I love it, Terri, but we still can't afford everything.**

**Terri sighs.**

**TERRI: (To herself) It's my very own Sophie's choice. (To WILL) Fine. I'm gonna give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles.**

**Mr. Schue sighs and looks away.**

**TERRI: Think of our family, Will. This is our dream.**

**WILL: (voice-over) I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money to make that dream come true. (To TERRI) Let's go sign those papers.**

**Mr. Schue places a kiss on Terri's forehead and exits.**

**TERRI: (whispering) Yes!**

**Kurt and Mercedes are talking swiftly to themselves. Rachel is sitting behind Finn in the stands, looking at him with longing.**

**KURT: You need to call me before you dress yourself.**

**MERCEDES: Whatever. Whatever**

**KURT: You look like a Technicolor zebra.**

**MERCEDES: You're a hater. That's what you are.**

**KURT: I look like I'm a part of it.**

**MERCEDES: You're trying to copy me.**

**KURT: It looks like I planned it.**

**MERCEDES: You know what, if your hair was longer, you'd have curls.**

"The beginning of a great friendship." Said Kurt, dramatically.

**Mr. Schue enters the choir room. **

**WILL: All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?**

**Mr. Schue begins to hand out sheet music. Several students gasp in excitement.**

**MERCEDES: For the assembly?**

**WILL: No. We won't be ready in time. We're still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire and it'll be awesome at regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're gonna succeed, we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.**

**ARTIE: Mr. Schue, we'd really like to not do disco at the assembly.**

**WILL: Finn, you're gonna take the solo.**

**Rachel smiles at Finn. Finn looks at Mr. Schue fearfully.**

**FINN: What? No, I- I can't do the solo, Mr. Schue. I'm still learning how to walk and sing at the same time.**

"Oh, Finn" Everyone in the room chorused.

Finn looked terrified that everyone said the same thing simultaneously without planning it. Everyone saw his expression and burst into laughter.

**WILL: No problem. I'll walk you through it.**

**GLEE CLUB: Ooh!**

**MERCEDES: Challenge.**

**WILL: Hey, Mercedes. You know this?**

**MERCEDES: Oh, I got this.**

**Mercedes sings the opening lines to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West. The rest of the glee club, dancing in place, joins in, and WILL takes the lead.**

**The glee club continues to sing, with Mr. Schue dancing around them. Mr. Schue initiates some simple choreography and the students mimic him. The musical number comes to an end, and everyone laughs.**

**WILL: All right, just like that. Ready?**

**Rachel and Finn are sitting in front of Figgins' desk. Sue and Mr. Schue stand on opposite sides of the room.**

**SUE: Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?**

**FINN: It just sort of happened.**

**RACHEL: I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting.**

**SUE: You watch your tone, young lady. (To FIGGINS) Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this.**

**WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (To RACHEL) All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.**

**RACHEL: Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally challenge friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative pre-emptive strike.**

**FINN: Yeah, pretty much what she said.**

***Flashback***

**Rachel and Finn are sitting at the table, working on a flyer.**

**RACHEL: You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake- He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And, you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.**

**FINN: Who's Justin Timberlake?**

**RACHEL: (voice-over) It was a twofold plan.**

**Rachel and Finn are making copies of their flyer.**

**RACHEL: (voice-over) We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.**

**Sue steps into the room. When she realizes what they are doing, she drops her protein shake on the floor.**

***End Flashback***

**SUE: That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it.**

**WILL: Hold on a second, Sue.**

**SUE: I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students. (To FIGGINS) It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.**

**WILL: (To FINN and RACHEL) How many copies did you guys make?**

**SUE: (To FIGGINS) Seventeen.**

**WILL: Okay. And how much does a photocopy cost?**

**FIGGINS: Four and a half cents.**

**WILL: How about they just pay for the copies?**

**FIGGINS: I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you to personally clean the congealed protein shake off the photocopy room floor**

**SUE: That's why we have janitors.**

**FIGGINS: Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made. I've laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand.**

**Rachel, Finn and Mr. Schue nod.**

**SUE: Lady Justice wept today.**

**Sue extends her hand to Finn and Rachel in expectation of payment.**

**In the hallway:**

**FINN: I'm sorry about that Mr. Schue.**

**RACHEL: I'd like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.**

**WILL: You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it.**

**RACHEL: Doing that song is gonna kill any chance the Glee Club has. It's a terrible idea.**

**WILL: I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. We're doing the assembly and you're not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!**

**Mr. Schue exits down the hall.**

**FINN: It's official. I'm a dead man.**

**RACHEL: Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, really talented.**

**FINN: (bashful) Stop it.**

**RACHEL: I mean, maybe it'll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?**

**FINN: I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.**

**Finn walks away, and Rachel watches him leave.**

** Mr. Schue and Terri are sitting together in the bathtub, Terri's back pressed to Mr. Schue's chest.**

**WILL: Baby, I have some bad news.**

**TERRI: A wealthy relative died?**

**WILL: I don't have any wealthy relatives.**

**TERRI: Oh.**

**WILL: I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I- I can't find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.**

**TERRI: Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break?**

**WILL: No, no, no. It's gonna be okay, baby. I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy.**

**TERRI: No. You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer. I want my dream house. I work hard. I sacrifice. I deserve it.**

**Terri steps out of the tub and begins pulling on her robe.**

**TERRI: You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N' Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids- that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?**

**Terri leaves. Mr. Schue sighs and sinks down under the water.**

"What _did_ you see in her?" Chris questioned incredulously.

**Figgins is kneeling on the floor, scraping off congealed protein shake. Mr. Schue enters.**

**WILL: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.**

**FIGGINS: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I've been here till 10:00 pm every night up to my elbows in Vamoose!**

**WILL: Any problem with me taking over one of those night-time janitorial slots?**

**Figgins sighs and shakes his head.**

**WILL: I'll work at half salary.**

**Figgins looks up and smiles.**

**Quinn and a group of other Cheerios are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. Rachel is sitting alone opposite them. Quinn strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.**

**QUINN: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week- Rachel What's-her-name.**

**RACHEL: Where are all the boys?**

"'Cause that is the point of Celibacy. Looking at boys." Said Darren who was then venomously glared at by Rachel so he hid behind Chris.

**QUINN: Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith.**

**A group of football players and other boys are spread around the room. Finn is sitting on a desk, tossing a football into the air.**

**FINN: (voice-over) I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.**

**JACOB: I think I'm gonna kill myself. I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day- Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation- Not be able to do anything about it?**

**PUCK: Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.**

"Oh, God." Chris said. Everyone turned to look at him and saw that he looked horrified and slightly traumatised at this description. They then realised that he was the only person in the room not attracted to girl that wasn't used to Puck. Then they all laughed at him.

**Santana twirls around at the centre of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks.**

**QUINN: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.**

**ALL: It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing. Oh!**

**The Cheerios begin to dance in place.**

**CHEERIO: Back it up like a dump truck, baby!**

**Rachel appears annoyed by their behaviour.**

Rachel appears annoyed by their behaviour.

**JOCK: (To FINN) So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?**

**FINN: We grind, make out.**

**JACOB: But how do you keep from arriving early? Whenever I grind- Cinco de Mayo.**

"Who would let him _do_ that with them in the first place?" Said Rachel looked thoroughly creeped out.

**FINN: (chuckling) It's not a problem for me, man.**

**Finn and Puck high five.**

**FINN: (voice-over) Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit.**

***Flashback***

**Finn is driving with his mother, Carole, in the passenger seat.**

**CAROLE: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?**

**FINN: Driving's fun.**

**CAROLE: Yeah.**

**The car slams into a mailman, whose body rolls onto the hood of the car and into the windshield.**

**CAROLE: (screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?**

***End Flashback***

"That is why you need a father figure. Someone to hide the body for you when you kill a mailman." Said Finn knowingly.

**All Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. They are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair.**

**QUINN: Let's pair up for the "Immaculate Affection." Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.**

**Quinn steps over to Finn, smiling and placing the balloon between their pelvises. Rachel glances at Finn and reluctantly moves closer to Jacob, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.**

**JACOB: You enchant me.**

**PUCK: Yeah!**

**Puck grinds into the balloon between him and Santana, who struggles to pull away.**

**SANTANA: Stop it!**

**PUCK: Take it. Ah, yeah!**

**The balloon between Finn and Quinn pops.**

**QUINN: Finn!**

**FINN: It must have hit my zipper.**

**Rachel breaks away from Jacob and addresses the room.**

**RACHEL: You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for.**

**QUINN: Don't you dare mention the "C" word.**

**RACHEL: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.**

**JACOB: I- Is that accurate?**

**Mr. Schue, dressed in his janitor uniform, is scraping gum from the bottom of a desk. Emma enters.**

**EMMA: Will?**

**Mr. Schue turns in surprise and bumps his head against the desk.**

**WILL: Aaah! Emma- What are you doing here so late?**

**EMMA: I do S.A.T. prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um- Are you a janitor?**

**WILL: A jan- no.**

**EMMA: Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor, and your shirt says "Will."**

**WILL: Um, Terri and I are trying to buy a house and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and- (sighs) I'm really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us?**

**EMMA: Yeah. Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me.**

**WILL: Thank you.**

**EMMA: Do you, um- Do you want a hand?**

**WILL: Oh- No. I-I'm good, really.**

**EMMA: Really? Because I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E. coli because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos.**

**Emma is scrubbing the pencil sharpener while Mr. Schue dusts a hanging solar system.**

**EMMA: I really admire you working so hard for something you want.**

**WILL: Let's make a deal. You're helping me with my problem. How bout I take a stab at one of yours?**

**EMMA: Oh, no, I don't- I don't have a problem.**

**WILL: You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.**

**EMMA: Well, I mean, I have- I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a problem.**

**Mr. Schue sits down on a desk and smiles at Emma knowingly.**

**EMMA: Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.**

**WILL: Really?**

**EMMA: Yeah. And when I was eight, we finally visited one and after the tour and the yoghurt tasting my- my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.**

**WILL: What?**

**EMMA: And, um, ever since then, I've just- I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh- the smell.**

**WILL: Have you thought about- I don't know- maybe seeing someone about that?**

**EMMA: Oh, no. It's completely manageable. You know, I just- I take lots of showers and I, um- You know, I don't eat dairy. So it's-**

**WILL: I want to try a little experiment.**

**Mr. Schue gets up and walks over to the chalkboard, collecting some chalk dust from the ledge with the tip of his finger.**

**EMMA: Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with- with that.**

**Mr. Schue touches his finger to Emma's nose, leaving behind a smudge of dust. They stare into each other's eyes. After a moment, Mr. Schue removes the dust with the back of his forearm.**

**WILL: There. Ten seconds.**

**EMMA: New record. It's late. I should, um- I should be, um, going.**

**Emma walks past him towards the door. Ken watches the exchange through the window of the classroom.**

**Rachel stands before the glee club, who are gathered in the stands. She taps her gavel to a sound board.**

**RACHEL: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.**

**ARTIE: But Mr. Schuester isn't here.**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.**

**MERCEDES: Ugh! I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Perón.**

**FINN: Let her talk.**

**Finn nods at Rachel in encouragement.**

**RACHEL: I have another idea for the assembly.**

**ARTIE: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?**

**RACHEL: They're not gonna kill us. Because we're gonna give them what they want.**

**KURT: Blood?**

"Well done Kurt. You have learnt what the masses want from us very well." Chris said.

**RACHEL: Better. Sex.**

**The entire student body is sitting in the stands. Figgins is standing at a microphone in front of the stage. Mr. Schue is sitting in a chair to his side.**

**FIGGINS: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of the last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.**

**EMMA: (clapping) Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!**

**Mr. Schue steps up to the microphone.**

**WILL: Uh, hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I can tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm gonna let some friends of mine show you instead.**

**Mr. Schue sits down in the stands. The Glee Club begins their performance of "Push It" by Salt 'n' Pepa. Their choreography is lewd and suggestive. Mr. Schue, Sue, and Quinn are horrified, but Figgins and Emma appear to be enjoying themselves. The performance comes to an end. After a moment of silence, Jacob springs up out of his seat.**

"Nice work Kurt. Did you see Finn's face when you slapped his butt?" Chris complemented.

**JACOB: Yes!**

**The students erupt into cheers, with the exception of the Cheerios.**

**Mr. Schue and Sue are sitting before Figgins' desk. No one speaks.**

**SUE: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching, and that includes an elementary school production of ****_Hair._**

**FIGGINS: We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.**

**WILL: I- I really don't know what to say.**

**SUE: Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one that should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.**

**FIGGINS: Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community's values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.**

**Figgins hands Mr. Schue the list.**

**WILL: But, all of these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title.**

**FIGGINS: But there are also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I'm not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.**

"Kurt, was that you?" Darren said teasingly.

"WHAT!? NO!" was all he do in reply as the pillow thrown at him hit Chris who he was using as a human shield.

**SUE: This will not stand.**

**FIGGINS: Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.**

**Rachel is standing just outside of Figgins' office, her head resting dejectedly against the wall. She turns as SUE, making an "I'm watching you" gesture, passes by. Mr. Schue approaches.**

**RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.**

**WILL: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.**

**RACHEL: What's a "****_Luftballon_****"?**

"What is a Luftballon?" Chris said.

"It's a German balloon." Darren said.

Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

**WILL: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club and I understand why you did what you did, but I don't like the way you did it.**

**Mr. Schue exits, leaving behind a saddened Rachel.**

**Emma is eating her lunch at a table by herself, being careful to clean her grapes before popping them into her mouth. Ken drops a pair of tickets on the table in front of her.**

**KEN: They're for Tulip-A-Looza. It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Centre. It's supposed to smell pretty nice.**

**EMMA: That's really sweet of you, Ken, but I have…a-asthma.**

**KEN: What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse and in this town, you're not gonna do much better. Okay, I'm done talking now.**

**Ken leaves.**

**Finn and Rachel are on stage. Rachel sits at the piano, tapping a high note.**

**RACHEL: Try it.**

**FINN: (mimicking the note) La.**

**RACHEL: Good.**

**FINN: That was good.**

**RACHEL: Okay, one more up.**

**FINN: La.**

**RACHEL: That was really good.**

**FINN: Is that okay?**

**RACHEL: Yeah, it's like the Holy Grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note. All right, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher.**

**FINN: Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.**

**RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, sure. Lucky I prepared for that.**

**Rachel gestures toward elaborate picnic area set up on the floor of the stage.**

**FINN: Wow. I was wondering what that was all about.**

**RACHEL: Want to sit?**

**FINN: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.**

**RACHEL: I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly.**

**FINN: Well, this is my only chance to be, you know, good like you.**

**RACHEL: You think I'm good?**

**FINN: Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. You talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.**

**Finn places his hand left hand over his chest. Rachel moves his hand to the opposite side.**

**RACHEL: Your heart's on the other side of your chest.**

**FINN: Oh. It's beating really hard. You're cool, Rachel.**

**RACHEL: Do you want a drink?**

**FINN: Yeah.**

**Rachel reaches for a thermos and prepares their drinks.**

**RACHEL: Virgin Cosmos.**

**FINN: Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club- That was really cool. (Accepting a cup from Rachel) Thanks.**

**RACHEL: Well, cheers.**

**FINN: Cheers. Cups are like the airplane cups. Oh, you got a little Cosmo right-**

**Finn reaches out and wipes his thumb slowly across Rachel's upper lip.**

**RACHEL: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.**

**FINN: I want to.**

**Rachel lays down onto the pillows as Finn moves over her. Their lips meet briefly, at first. They kiss once more until Finn pulls away, panicking. He imagines the mailman crashing into the windshield of his car. Finn awkwardly tears himself away from Rachel and stands up.**

**RACHEL: What?**

**RACHEL: Did I do something wrong?**

**FINN: No, no. Um, I just gotta go. Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?**

**Finn exits, and RACHEL places her head in her hands.**

**Terri is lying in an examination chair. The doctor squirts gel onto Terri's stomach and begins the ultrasound.**

**TERRI: I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.**

**DOCTOR: Trust me. You're clear.**

**Doctor sets the ultrasound equipment aside and sits down.**

**TERRI: Are you sure?**

**DOCTOR: Positive.**

**TERRI: Is it a boy or a girl?**

**DOCTOR: Um- Don't quite know how to put this. There's no baby.**

**TERRI: (frantically) Did it fall out?**

**DOCTOR: (laughs) Uh, no. Uh, you're not pregnant.**

**TERRI: But I've gained ten pounds.**

**DOCTOR: It's probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen.**

**Mr. Schue is sitting by the piano with a CD player next him. Quinn, Santana, and Brittany stand before him.**

**WILL: I have to say, I'm really surprised you guys are trying out.**

**QUINN: I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him?**

**WILL: Well, let's see what you've got.**

**The three Cheerios perform "I Say A Little Prayer" by Dianna Warwick. Quinn sings lead, and much of the choreography features her at the centre of the formation. Mr. Schue seems impressed.**

**Quinn, Santana, and Brittany are sitting in front of Sue's desk.**

**SUE: Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club?**

**QUINN: I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don't kick us off the Cheerios.**

**SUE: [snaps fingers] Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.**

**Brittany and Santana high five behind Quinn.**

**QUINN: And I'm gonna get my boyfriend back.**

**SUE: I don't care so much about that.**

**Mr. Schue steps through the door of his apartment in his janitor uniform. Terri is standing by the dining room table with a lighter in her hand. She lights a candle on the table.**

**TERRI: There's my man. Bringing home the bacon.**

**WILL: You- You made dinner. I thought you'd be asleep.**

**TERRI: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie- from scratch.**

**They sit down at the table.**

**WILL: Terri, that's so thoughtful. I- Yeah, you know, I've been working so had lately, some- sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for. Family's what's important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.**

**TERRI: Yeah.**

**WILL: I'm sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?**

**TERRI: I went to the baby doctor today.**

**WILL: And?**

**Mr. Schue looks at her with anticipation. Terri is uncomfortable.**

**TERRI: And…it's a boy.**

**Mr. Schue gets out of his seat and hugs Terri.**

**WILL: Oh, my God. Terri, that's amazing.**

**TERRI: Yeah.**

**WILL: Oh, my God. Oh!**

**TERRI: Uh, I want you to give up being a janitor.**

**WILL: What?**

**TERRI: Yeah. We don't need a new house. We'll turn my craft room into a nursery. It's a compromise that I want to make.**

**WILL: Really?**

**TERRI: Yeah. You know, the only project I want to work on now is us.**

**Mr. Schue kisses Terri.**

**WILL: I love you so much.**

**Rachel and Mr. Schue are standing in the choir room alone. Rachel looks at him despondently.**

**RACHEL: You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That's my solo.**

**WILL: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinn's audition song was on Figgins' approved list and, frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.**

**RACHEL: You're punishing me.**

**WILL: Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you. Or, I've realized, about me. Look, I screwed up too. I'm as responsible for what you did at the assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that- That is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we're gonna succeed, we both need to change our mind-sets. You're not always gonna be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We're on our way.**

**Mr. Schue gathers his things and walks to the door.**

**RACHEL: Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbours are filing a lawsuit.**

**WILL: Sure.**

**Mr. Schue leaves.**

**Rachel sings "Take a Bow" by Rihanna. Mercedes and Tina stand behind her, singing backup. Rachel is shown singing into her hairbrush in her room. The scene changes to Rachel watching Quinn and Finn laugh together in the hallway. **


	6. Chapter 6: Preggers

_A/N: The website that I'm using for the transcripts of the episodes have some missing so I will be skipping those episodes. If anyone really wants an episode that I miss off then you can try and find a transcript for the episode and send me the link. I would type it up myself but it already takes me around a couple hours to edit the transcript and add in the conversation that's mine so I really don't have time to try typing the episodes up._

"Well, Some of the episodes seem to be missing. So we shall just skip Acafellas and move straight on to Preggers." Chris said.

"Wait." Darren said, tapping Chris on the shoulder. Darren leant forward and started whispering in his ear. Chris jerked backwards with a slightly weird expression on his face.

"Why do you need to whisper that to me" Chris said incredulously.

"Because I don't want to share with them." Darren nodded at the Glee club.

"You know that we could just get everyone a packet as well, don't you Darren."

"I didn't think of that."

"Look I'll get you you're red vines, you're addicted. You and Joey. You need help." Chris said, leaning over to reach his backpack and pull one of the red vine packets out. "Do any of you want some red vines?" Chris asked the glee club who were gawking at what just happened. They weren't used to two men being so comfortable together and not in a relationship. Mr. Schue recovered first.

"Erm. No I think we're ok. Right guys." The glee club just nodded dumbly.

"Well let's start then." Chris announced as he pushed the play button.

**In Kurt's basement room.**

**Kurt selects the song "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyoncé on his iPod. He, Brittany, and Tina perform the song in leotards. Suddenly a hand pushes a button and stops the music. It is Kurt's father, Burt Hummel. He gazes disapprovingly at what is taking place before him.**

"Oh My Gaga! Why is that on there?!" Said Kurt sounding physically pained.

The rest of the glee club laughed at Kurt's humiliation as any good friends would.

**KURT: Dad! You're home early.**

**BURT: Deadliest Catch is on. What are you wearing?**

**KURT: It's a unitard. Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays. Do sports. They wick sweat from the body.**

**Burt puts a finger in Kurt's unitard, letting it snap back into place. He nods.**

**TINA: F-f-f-football!**

**KURT: Yeah, all the guys in football wear them. They're jock chic.**

**BRITTANY: Totally. Kurt's on the football team now. He's the kicker – that's the smallest guy on the field, right?**

**KURT: Yeah. Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.**

**BURT: Hmm. Really. You know, I played in JC before I busted up my knee, popping wheelies on my third bike.**

**KURT: Cool. I guess we'll have something to talk about, then.**

**Kurt chuckles.**

**BURT: So one of you two his girlfriend?**

**Kurt is taken aback by the question, but he puts his hand on Tina's back.**

**KURT: But I'm not ready to be exclusive just yet.**

**BURT: Alright, just keep the music down. I can't hear myself think up there.**

**Burt starts to walk back upstairs, but stops to ask Kurt something.**

**BURT: And hey, Kurt. Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.**

**Kurt nods feverishly. His grin disappears once he realizes the mess he is in.**

"Oh, Kurt. You're in so much trouble. You just keep digging yourself deeper with this." Darren said.

**In Mr. Schue's apartment Terri is doing deep breathing exercises. Mr. Schue is helping her and encouraging her. At first it appears that Terri is having her baby.**

**WILL: You're doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.**

**Terri's sister Kendra then interrupts the scene.**

**KENDRA: No, no, no! Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and bestial and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.**

**WILL: Well, I'm just trying to be supportive.**

**KENDRA: Oh, Will, this isn't about you.**

**WILL: I'm sorry, Kendra, when was I making it about me?**

**KENDRA: Ugh. You have to be liked, Will. You're nice and supportive and you avoid conflict.**

**Will looks to Terri to see if what Kendra is saying is true. Terri nods.**

**KENDRA: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy howdy in five months! She doesn't need nice. She needs dolomites.**

**WILL: I can be tough.**

**KENDRA: Of course you can, sweetie.**

**Kendra gets off the couch and down to where Terri and Mr. Schue are, on the floor.**

**KENDRA: Okay, why don't you come on down here? I'm going to show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife's stomach.**

"Is there anyone who actually likes Kendra? I mean she seems really stupid and is horrible to people. She doesn't even sound like she's gone to school at all." Quinn said.

**Terri looks panicked.**

**WILL: Okay.**

**TERRI: No, no, wait!**

**Terri sits up quickly.**

**KENDRA: Oh, no, no, no! You'll like it. Phil still does it to me. Feels great.**

**TERRI: I don't want him touching my stomach. I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby!**

**KENDRA: Oh.**

**TERRI: Yeah. [Then, to Mr. Schue] Honey? Would you get me a BLT?**

**WILL: S-sure. I – I'm – it's gonna take a few minutes, though.**

**TERRI: That's okay.**

**Mr. Schue kisses Terri's forehead and gets up to leave.**

**WILL: Alright. Be right back.**

**KENDRA: Make me one too, but hold the tomato.**

**WILL: Okay.**

**KENDRA: And the lettuce.**

**TERRI: I can't do this!**

**KENDRA: Oh, don't worry about it! You're gonna have an epidural. I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty, and then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.**

**TERRI: Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody? Not even Phil?**

**KENDRA: Oh, my God. Is the baby black?**

"WHAT THE HELL!" Everyone shouted.

**TERRI: No!**

**Terri lifts her shirt up carefully, revealing the pad that is making her appear pregnant. Kendra gasps in disbelief.**

**TERRI: The doctor said it's a hysterical pregnancy! I can't tell Will. I can't! He already has one foot out the door. This baby's the only reason he's still here!**

**KENDRA: What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you lied?**

**TERRI: Oh, God, I don't know! I've got to tell him the truth. I've got to tell him and I've got to deal with the consequences!**

**Terri gets up to leave and presumably tell Mr. Schue of her hysterical pregnancy. Kendra stops her.**

**KENDRA: Okay, are you insane?**

**TERRI: What?!**

**KENDRA: Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it!**

**TERRI: I guess.**

**KENDRA: Stop being so emotional.**

**TERRI: Okay.**

**KENDRA: The solution is clear. We're gonna have to get you a baby.**

"Okay, Kendra is obviously influencing Terri. I mean she would have told Mr. Schue then" Rachel said.

**Mr. Schue is passing out sheet music to the Glee Club, namely Rachel, Finn, Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Quinn, Santana, and Brittany. After inspecting the sheet music for a minute, Rachel finds a problem.**

**RACHEL: Excuse me, this isn't the right key.**

**WILL: No. It's actually the right key.**

**RACHEL: No, no, this is the alto part.**

**WILL: Yep. Tina's doing the solo.**

**RACHEL: I'm sorry, there must be some sort of mix up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from "West Side Story" goes to me. Maria is my part! Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I've had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.**

"You never said anything about that Rachel." Mercedes pointed out.

**WILL: Well, I'm trying to shake things up a bit. Get us out of our boxes.**

**RACHEL: You're trying to punish me.**

**WILL: I think you're being irrational.**

**RACHEL: I think you're being unfair!**

**WILL: I think you're being unfair to Tina, who might have been happy about getting her first solo.**

**RACHEL: Tina knows how much I respect her and I think she would agree with me that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.**

**Mercedes interjects after looking over the sheet music.**

**MERCEDES: Wait… I'm a Jet?**

"As always, Mercedes, thinking about the important things" Kurt said, smiling at his friend.

**Rachel emotionally storms out of the room.**

**ARTIE: The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.**

**WILL: Congratulations, Tina. This is going well.**

**Mercedes and Artie congratulate Tina for getting the solo.**

** Later that day all of the club members have left except for Finn and Kurt who are on their way out.**

**KURT: Finn? I needed to ask you something.**

**FINN: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered! I know how important dances are to teen gays.**

**KURT: I'm not gay.**

**FINN: Oh.**

**KURT: I just… I needed a favour.**

**On the football field the football team is practicing and doing drills under the supervision of Ken. Several of the team members fall down during a running drill.**

**KEN: This is not that difficult, gentlemen, let's go.**

**Finn and Kurt are standing on the field. Finn is dressed in his football jersey and is stretching before practice. Kurt is dressed in a red sweatshirt and has a blue headband in his hair. Kurt is holding a football helmet.**

**FINN: Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you. Keep your eye on the ball…don't try to aim it. Okay, put your helmet on.**

**KURT: It'll mess up my hair.**

**FINN: Put your…put your helmet on, okay?**

**Finn helps Kurt put the football helmet on, much to Kurt's distaste.**

**FINN: That's good. Red's your colour.**

"Sure you're not gay Finn?" Chris said, pretending to check Finn out.

Finn looked oddly at Chris, shuddered, and then turned back to the screen pretending nothing happened.

**KURT: Thank you for helping me with this, Finn. You're really cool.**

**FINN: Well, I figure, the more crossover between Glee and football, the easier my life's gonna be.**

**Kurt begins to walk away.**

**FINN: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, where are you going?**

**KURT: To get my music ready.**

**FINN: Wh-what? Are you nuts? You can't use that!**

**KURT: But we did when we were rehearsing.**

**FINN: Practicing. And no one was around! Look, do you know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this try-out? If you do it your way, they're gonna kill you!**

**KURT: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise. If I'm doing this, I'm doing it my way.**

**Kurt walks away to get his music ready. Puck approaches Finn.**

**PUCK: So are you two an item now, or…? He doesn't belong here!**

**FINN: You joined Acafellas, what's the difference?**

**PUCK: I'm a stud, dude. I could wear a dress to school and people would think it's cool.**

**Ken blows his whistle.**

**KEN: Everybody take a knee.**

**The team surrounds Ken and waits for him to speak.**

**KEN: Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langenthaal, is zero for twelve in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically minded people know, THAT SUCKS! So Mr. Langenthaal will thusly be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.**

**Kurt makes his way through the crowd of football players.**

**KURT: Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.**

"Oh, Kurt" Everyone practically moaned.

**Several football players laugh, and Kurt looks at them in disgust. Finn nods his head. Kurt makes his way to the centre of the field with a stereo CD player, and Finn walks by his side with a football. Finn puts the football down and holds it for Kurt. Kurt turns the stereo on and "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" plays. Kurt dances to the music. Kurt kicks the football and it goes all the way through the uprights at a high velocity. Kurt takes off his helmet as Ken rushes up to him.**

**KURT: That was good, right?**

**FINN: Aha, yeah.**

**KURT: That was good?**

**FINN: Yeah.**

**KEN: Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?**

**KURT: Mm, sounds like fun. Can I have my music?**

**KEN: If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu, for all I care! [Then, to the rest of the team] Gentlemen! We have found ourselves a kicker!**

**Kurt waves to the football team as Puck looks at him in disgust.**

**Quinn is at her locker, visibly distraught with tears running down her face. Finn is approaching and calling her name, but she ignores him and walks down the hallway.**

**FINN: Quinn! Quinn. Hey, what's with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I'm sorry.**

**Quinn stops at a corridor and Finn catches up with her.**

**QUINN: I'm pregnant.**

**Finn is now lost in his own mind, and find it difficult to focus on what Quinn is saying.**

**QUINN: I wasn't sure, and I really didn't want to go by myself, and I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner!**

**FINN: Mine?**

**QUINN: Yes, you. Who else's would it be?**

**FINN: But we…we never…**

**QUINN: Last month. Hot tub.**

***Flashback***

**Finn and Quinn are both in the hot tub in their bathing suits, making out. Finn senses that he is about to ejaculate from the arousal.**

**FINN: Oh no. Oh no. Oh…**

**QUINN: Think of the mail. Think of the mail! Think of the –**

***Double flashback***

**Finn hits a mailman with his car on his first time driving.**

**CAROLE: You killed him! What are you going to do?!**

***End flashback in flashback***

**Finn cannot help it. He ejaculates.**

**FINN: Oh…**

***End Original flashback***

**FINN: But we were wearing our swimsuits!**

**QUINN: Ask Jeeves said a hot tub is the perfect temperature for sperm. It, it helps it swim faster.**

**FINN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are – are you gonna get a…?**

**QUINN: No. I really thought I had a shot at getting out of here! No.**

**Quinn cries on Finn's shoulder. He doesn't know what to say or what to do.**

**At Mr. Ryerson's house, looking at his doll collection Sue is standing next to Sandy, obviously disturbed.**

**SANDY: I've been collecting since 1961.**

**SUE: Now, isn't this just lovely and normal?**

**SANDY: They're my everything. [Then, referring to the whistling kettle] Tea time!**

**Sandy chuckles, and then imitates the whistling kettle. He goes to get the tea.**

**SUE: Right.**

**SANDY: So, to what do I owe the honour of your presence?**

**SUE: Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and say hello, buddy. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies, limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.**

**Coming back with his tea, Sandy motions towards the couch.**

**SANDY: Please, have a seat on the Casting Couch.**

**Sue takes a seat. Sandy pours them tea and sits adjacent to her.**

**SANDY: Oh, it is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays. Saturdays I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.**

**SUE: Sandy. Let's cut the crap.**

**Sandy begins to cry.**

**SANDY: I'm living in a cocoon of horror! Yesterday, I ate nine cans of Aerosol whipped cream! No! Oh!**

"EWWW. Even I wouldn't do that and that's saying something." Darren said, hugging Chris closer to ward away the disgust.

**SUE: Sandy, Sandy. We have similar problems. You need to be back in the spotlight! I wanna offer you the school's Arts Administrator position.**

**Sandy sits up, interested in Sue's offer.**

**SUE: You will have control of all the arts programs. Music, art, drama – wait for it – Glee Club.**

**SANDY: It's impossible. Figgins will never allow it!**

**SUE: Oh, don't you worry about Figgins.**

***Flashback***

**FIGGINS: I'm never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.**

**Sue comes around to Figgins' computer and pulls up a website.**

**SUE: Take a look at this.**

**A commercial for Mumbai Air starring Figgins plays on the computer. On the commercial, Figgins is stretching his legs his to prevent blood clots.**

**FIGGINS: [on the commercial] Vascular embolisms are a serious hazard on long distance flights. So make sure to stretch your legs every hour to keep blood from clotting.**

**On the commercial, Figgins puts on an anti-embolism stocking.**

**FIGGINS: [on the commercial] For additional protection, anti-embolism stockings can be purchased from your flight attendants.**

**Figgins then mutters something in Indian, and the commercial ends.**

**SUE: Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school. Better yet, YouTube.**

***End Flashback***

**SANDY: Our first order of business is Glee Club.**

**SUE: Oh! I couldn't agree with you more. William is running it into the ground.**

**SUE: And there's one lynchpin holding that group together.**

**SUE: Rachel Berry. How do we steal her away?**

**SUE: Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy. I'm gonna fire four words at you. Liza. Minnelli. Celine. Dion.**

**SANDY: Oh… Yeah. I am yours.**

**Rachel approaches a bulletin board in the hallway, interested in a flyer that she sees. It reads "Be a Lead in our High School Musical! Audition for CABARET! Must audition with Celine Dion song of your choice." She signs her name on the sign-up sheet and puts a gold star sticker next to her name.**

**In the auditorium Rachel is auditioning for Cabaret in front of Sue and Sandy. She performs an outstanding rendition of "Taking Chances" by Celine Dion.**

**SANDY: Wow.**

**RACHEL: What's next?**

**SANDY: Congratulations, Miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead.**

**Rachel is extremely happy. She puts her hands on her mouth and jumps up and down, excitedly.**

**In Figgins' office Figgins is sitting at his desk, with Mr. Schue, Sue, and Sandy in the office.**

**WILL: This is a joke!**

**FIGGINS: William. Sandy's never been formally charged with anything, and the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash! This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in that chair complaining how I don't care about the arts program?**

**WILL: [to Sue] This was you. You have always been out to get me.**

**SUE: Oh, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a Mason jar on my shelf by now.**

**SANDY: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.**

**WILL: Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?**

***Flashback*  
Rachel, dressed in tights and a leotard, is stretching and practicing ballet. Mr. Schue is there, talking to her.**

**RACHEL: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents and I took it. How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?**

**WILL: Because I didn't do it out of spite.**

**RACHEL: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue, you don't like me very much.**

**WILL: That's not true! I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.**

**RACHEL: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy, and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there! I try the hardest and I want it the most.**

**WILL: Everyone knows that. And they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win Regionals like that! We need everyone to think that they're a star.**

***End flashback***

"How many flashbacks are in this episode? They should have called it flashback instead of preggers." Darren said.

**SUE: We're giving everyone a chance to think they're a star! We're providing opportunities. We're opening doors. Find your voice, stomp that yard, all that crap.**

**WILL: [to Figgins] What does she have on you?**

**Sandy has had enough. He stands up.**

**SANDY: Enough! I tried to play nice with you, William, but clearly, you'd prefer to be adversaries. So be it.**

**Tina is singing "Tonight" from West Side Story on stage. Mr. Schue is at the side of the stage, encouraging her. Things are going great, but Tina gets nervous and blows the last note of the song. Mr. Schue comes over to her, clapping.**

**WILL: That was great, Tina. Good job!**

**TINA: You don't have to say that. I was sh-sh-sharp. I c-c-c-can't do this.**

**WILL: Hey, hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey… I need you to be great at Regionals. To do that, you've got to know that you can do this.**

**TINA: You have to give this song to Rachel. She's better than me, and you know she'll quit if you don't. I'll have to t-take one for the team.**

**Tina turns and exits the auditorium, leaving a dejected Mr. Schue on stage. He sighs. A very grievous Finn walks past Tina to Mr. Schue.**

**WILL: Hey, Finn. What's up?**

**Finn tries to find the words to explain his feelings about Quinn's pregnancy, but he simply cannot. Instead, he cries on Mr. Schue's shoulder and MR. Schue hugs him.**

**Mr. Schue and Finn are at a restaurant. They are going down the salad bar.**

**FINN: Thanks a lot for this, Mr. Schue. Couldn't talk to my mom, you know?**

**WILL: [referring to Quinn] So how far along is she?**

**FINN: I don't know. Uh, a couple weeks, maybe? It's pretty recent, I guess.**

**Mr. Schue and Finn walk to their table.**

**WILL: Well, what do you, what do you need me to do? You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood?**

**FINN: No. No, it's not even a conversation. She's keeping it.**

**Mr. Schue and Finn sit down at their table with their food.**

**FINN: I've seen the guys around town who had kids in high school. They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas… or worse. They're caged. Got no future. I can't become one of those dudes! Mr. Schue, I gotta go to college, but we don't have any money. I need a football scholarship, but the only way I'm gonna get one is if we start winning.**

**WILL: I'm not a football coach.**

**FINN: Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff and you helped me and Puck with the dancing?**

**WILL: Yeah.**

**FINN: You loosened us up. That's the football team's problem! I figured it out, watching Kurt kick those field goals.**

**Finn pulls out a book titled "Never Die Easy: The Autobiography of Walter Payton."**

**FINN: Here, check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of them. Except for the encyclopaedias**("Finn that's the point of libraries.")**, but… It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he – he won dance competitions on "Soul Train" and he took ballet lessons, and he even got the whole Bears team to take them the year they won the Super Bowl. That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.**

**WILL: Alright, let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Eh… I don't think Ken will go for that.**

**FINN: We'll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you. And I'm sure some of them will want to join. It's a win-win for both of us.**

**Mr. Schue nods to Finn**

**WILL: Eat up.**

**The entire football team, Ken, and Mr. Schue are in the locker room. Puck slams his locker door closed.**

**PUCK: This is garbage! What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?!**

**FINN: Why don't you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team, even in practice.**

**PUCK: So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?**

**Kurt frowns in distaste at Puck.**

**WILL: Guys. Guys! Athletes are performers, just like singers and dancers. I mean, think about it. Jim Brown, Dick Butkus…**

**FINN: OJ.**

**WILL: OJ. Right. All pretty tough guys; all of them had big careers as performers. Now, I don't think you guys are losing because you don't have the talent. You're losing because you don't have the right attitude.**

**PUCK: Oh, I get it. We have think more like Amazonian black women.**

**WILL: Think about it. If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.**

**PUCK: [to Ken] Coach. Please. Step in here.**

**KEN: I'm down with it. I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.**

**KURT: Sun Tzu says in his "Art of War" to never let the enemy know you. Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise. Don't tell me that you wouldn't be on your heels if the other team started busting a move on the field.**

**Ken blows his high-pitched whistle.**

**KEN: Okay, too much talking, and not enough stretching. In the Choir Room in full pads in five. That's five minutes. Let's go!**

**The football team, in full uniform, is standing in the choir room under the supervision of Ken and Mr. Schue. Mr Schue tries to teach them basic dance moves to the rhythm of the piano.**

**WILL: Uh, five, six, seven, eight, step ball change, up! Den, den, den, deh. Buh, buh, buh, uh, buh, buh, buh.**

**The team is mediocre at attempting these moves. Mr. Schue blows Ken's whistle.**

**WILL: That's good, guys. Your hips are still a little tight. Okay? It's just like you're playing football. It's all about the lateral movements. Just stay low, and…**

**Kurt attempts to interject.**

**WILL: Watch Kurt.**

**Kurt attempts to teach the team the choreography to "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)". It is a bit better than the last attempt, but it still could use work.**

**KURT: Alright, boys. Five, six, seven, hand, hand, point to the finger, hip, head. Oh! Sneak attack, back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap the butt.**

**Ken blows his whistle loudly.**

**KEN: Okay, that's enough for today, gentlemen. We'll…work on it. Just hit the showers.**

**KURT: [to Ken] Um, Coach, I don't mean to interject, but um, I think we should end with a show circle.**

**Puck and Finn are walking out of the football team's dance rehearsal in the Choir Room. Finn looks exhausted and worried.**

**PUCK: What's your problem?**

**FINN: Nothing. I just got a lot on my mind.**

**PUCK: Seriously, dude. What's going on? I'm your best friend. Talk.**

**FINN: It's personal.**

**PUCK: I knew it. You're in love with Kurt.**

**FINN: Quinn's pregnant. She's keeping the baby.**

**Finn walks away and Puck's eyes grow wider. He cannot believe his ears.**

**Quinn is walking down another hallway, carrying her books. She looks worried, just like Finn did previously. Puck comes out of a corridor.**

**PUCK: Sup, MILF?**

**QUINN: Leave me alone.**

**Quinn continues walking, but Puck follows after her.**

**PUCK: Who's the daddy? I just think it's kind of weird if it's Finn, since you told me you were a virgin when we did it… And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him.**

**QUINN: How can you be so sure?**

**PUCK: Finn's my boy. He would have told me.**

**QUINN: You make a habit of sleeping with your boys' girlfriends?**

**Quinn walks down the hallway, and to get her attention, Puck makes a sceptical over his next line, throwing his hands in the air and shouting loudly.**

**PUCK: Well, call the Vatican! We've got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!**

**Quinn races back to Puck and drags him to the nearest corridor to talk privately.**

**PUCK: I'd take care of it, you know. You, too. My dad's a deadbeat but I don't roll that way.**

**QUINN: Weren't you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?**

**PUCK: I've got my pool cleaning business.**

**QUINN: We live in Ohio. I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day, but it was a mistake. You're a Lima loser and you're always gonna be a Lima loser.**

**Quinn runs down the hallway, overcome with emotion.**

**It is the night of the football team. Cheerleaders, including Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, are cheering. Emma is sitting in the crowded bleachers, cleaning off the seat next to her with a moist towelette. Mr. Schue approaches her.**

**WILL: Anyone sitting here?**

**EMMA: Um, no. Here, here, you can…**

**Mr. Schue smiles and takes a seat next to Emma for the game.**

**WILL: Well, at least I know it's clean.**

**EMMA: Yeah.**

**The football team, including Puck, Finn, Kurt, and a player named Nick, is standing on the side of the field, preparing for the game.**

**FINN: Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.**

**PUCK: Yeah, a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays.**

**Kurt is visibly unhappy after hearing Puck's homophobic remark.**

**NICK: Seriously, Finn. It was fun in practice and all, but we can't do that out here in front of everybody! It'll make us even more of a joke.**

"Hey, other jocks thought that dancing was fun as well." Artie pointed out to the other gleeks.

**Kurt looks at Finn as if to say "Do something!", but the team heads out to the field and puts their helmets on. It is game time. The crowd, including Mr. Schue and Emma, cheers happily.**

**FINN: Divert right. Eighty-seven on one. Break.**

**FOOTBALL TEAM: Break!**

**The Referee blows his whistle to signal the official start of the game. A rude player from the other team yells to Finn.**

**RUDE PLAYER: Yo, QB! Your momma's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. Give me some ketchup!**

**FINN: [ignoring the rude player's remark] Down, set, hut!**

**The team does very badly in the first play. Ken and the crowd are disappointed.**

**FINN: Punch and Judy on one, break!**

**Again, the team does terribly. Ken is frustrated.**

**KEN: Come on!**

**Burt makes his way up the bleachers. Seeing him, Kurt waves and jumps up and down from the bench.**

**KURT: Dad! Dad!**

**Burt makes a subtle wave.**

**KURT: I told you! I told you!**

**The game resumes.**

**FINN: Jordan versus Bird on one!**

**KEN: Run!**

**Ken throws his stuff on the ground. The scoreboard then changes. There are only twelve seconds left in the game. Burt looks unhappy in the bleachers.**

**FINN: Cupid tips on one, break!**

**The timer resumes counting down. Finn's mind is racing. He sees Quinn, Kurt, and Mr. Schue. With one second remaining, he calls for a time out.**

**FINN: Time out! [Then, to Puck] Dude. We gotta do it.**

**PUCK: We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.**

**FINN: We're already jokes! I don't wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.**

**Puck looks over to Quinn with the cheerleaders. Then, the rude player from the other team starts talking to Puck.**

**RUDE PLAYER: Yo, left tackle! Your momma's so fat, her cereal comes with its own lifeguard. Like Baywatch!**

**PUCK: Hey, ankle grabber. I had sex with your mother. No, seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.**

**The rude player does not know what to say. Clearly, Puck actually did have intercourse with the player's mother.**

**PUCK: [to Finn] Let's do it, captain.**

**FINN: [to the entire team] Come on, huddle up! Huddle up! Okay. "Ring On It" on three. Yeah. Alright? Come on! On three! One, two, three, break!**

**FOOTBALL TEAM: Break.**

**Quinn, Santana, and Brittany are shown cheering with the cheerleaders. At first the team is hesitant, but they do agree to dance.**

**FINN: Hut, one, two, three. Let's hit it!**

**Finn makes a motion, and suddenly "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" is playing over the intercom. The whole football team dances to the song, much to the disbelief of Burt and the opposing team.**

**FINN: Hike!**

**Finn passes the football to Puck, who makes it all the way to the end of the field. Ken and the entire crowd are extremely pleased.**

**KEN: [to Kurt] You're up, kid. You make this and we win. You make this and you die a legend.**

**KURT: Can I pee first?**

**Kurt makes his way to the centre of the field.**

**BURT: God, he's so little.**

**Kurt makes a motion with his hand. A short portion of "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" again plays over the intercom. Kurt dances for a few seconds, and then kicks the ball and makes the field goal.**

"Whoa, Go Kurt!" Everyone cheered.

**FINN: Ten, hut!**

**The referee blows his whistle. The game is over, and the Titans have won. All thanks to Kurt. Burt goes crazy in the crowd.**

**BURT: That's my son! That is my boy!**

**Puck is happy until he looks over to see Quinn and Finn kissing. His smile quickly disappears. He walks off the field.**

**Kurt is sitting at his mirror, in his room, spraying his face with some sort of skin care product. He proceeds to work at his skin with a pink sponge. Burt walks down the stairs and nods.**

**KURT: Night-time skin care is a big part of my post-game ritual.**

**BURT: Well, I don't know what to say about that, but, uh… I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt. I wish your mom would have been there, I mean… alive.**

"Smooth. That was very sensitive, Burt." Tina said.

**KURT: Thanks.**

**Burt turns to go away, but Kurt stops him. He has something he wants to say.**

**KURT: Dad?**

**Kurt stands up. Burt turns around and focuses on Kurt.**

**KURT: I…have something that I wanna say. I'm glad that you're proud of me, but I don't wanna lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really showed me that I can be anything, and… what I am… is… I'm gay.**

"Wait, he didn't know already?" Said Puck, confused.

**BURT: I know.**

"Oh, okay he did" Puck reaffirmed.

**KURT: Really?**

**BURT: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Okay?**

**Burt brings Kurt in close for a hug.**

**BURT: Thanks for telling me, Kurt.**

**Kurt nods. Burt turns to go upstairs and Kurt sits back down at his mirror.**

**BURT: You're sure, right?**

**KURT: Yeah, Dad. I'm sure.**

**BURT: I'm just checking.**

**Quinn is standing at her locker. She closes it and Finn approaches. She smiles.**

**FINN: Hey.**

**Finn pulls a torn baby blanket out of his pocket.**

**FINN: Here. It's my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it, and I took it everywhere with me, so it's a little dirty. But I want our baby to have it.**

**Quinn is taken aback at Finn's kind gesture. She now feels especially awful that the baby is not actually Finn's.**

**FINN: I'm gonna do everything I can to be a good father.**

**QUINN: Thank you, Finn.**

**Puck walks up to Finn and Quinn. Quinn looks uncomfortable.**

**PUCK: Hey, guys. How you doing? You know, lately, I've been getting really sick in the morning.**

**QUINN: Must be a virus.**

**PUCK: Hey, are you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They're not going to be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid much longer.**

**FINN: Hey. Don't talk to my girlfriend like that.**

**PUCK: You know what? You're right. I was out of line. See you guys around.**

**Puck walks away from Quinn and Finn.**

**Mr. Schue walks in the door with Puck, and football players Mike Chang and Matt Rutherford. The entire Glee Club is already present.**

**WILL: Hey guys! Let's give a big Glee welcome to our three new members fresh off their big win on Friday night – Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford, and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come.**

**WILL: Let's start today with "Tonight" from West Side Story.**

**Rachel beams at the prospect of singing this song, and nods fervently.**

**WILL: Tina, show us what you got.**

**Rachel is upset. The solo is still not hers. She has not gotten what she wants.**

**Sandy is painting a set piece for the musical. Rachel walks in.**

**SANDY: I thought you had Glee practice, my little multi-tasking star.**

**RACHEL: I quit. I'm yours exclusively. "Maybe This Time" in B flat?**


	7. Chapter 7: Vitamin D

_A/N: I wanted to be one of those really cool authors who update, like, every day, but then I lost inspiration for a bit. Then I forgot how tiring school was. So now I'm going to be one of those authors that everybody hates because they only update sporadically. I'M SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! DON'T HATE ME! I LOVE YOU ALL! P.S. If anyone can find a transcript for Rhodes not taken and send it to me I'd be really grateful. I really want to do that one but don't have the transcript. I'll write you a Klaine One-shot of your choice if you find it as a reward._

"Uh, why are so many episodes missing? I really like Rhodes Not Taken, it was so much fun to film." Chris grumbles to himself as he tries to crawl forward to change the DVD, hindered by all of the duvets, cushions and the fact that Darren is trying to not let go of him. "DARREN! Let. Go. Thanks you. Kurt, it was so fun being you drunk. Bambi." Chris sniggers after the frustration that comes in the form of Darren Criss.

"Just push play, Chris." Darren whines, now that he's got his cuddle buddy back.

**The glee club members are being directed by Mr. Schue as they practice choreography in the choir room.**

WILL: Five, six, seven, eight. Step, turn, out, in, ball-change, step ball-change step. You, you, you, you. And ba-ba-ba. turn…

The group falters their steps and Mr. Schue becomes frustrated.

WILL: Come on, guys, you're sleepwalking on me here. Give me some energy. We've got sectionals in two-

MERCEDES: (interrupting Mr. Schue) Please, sectionals is going to be a breeze.

WILL: Maybe so. 

**Finn stares intently at Quinn's stomach**

WILL: But if we coast through sectionals, we're gonna get killed at regionals. We have got to be on our game.

Kurt laughs.

KURT: Sorry. Funny Youtube. It's the grape stomping one.

"Kurt, you can't just watch YouTube in glee club." Darren said in a patronising voice.

**Later on in the choir room Mr. Schue addresses the entire glee club.**

**WILL: Competition.**

Mr. Schue pins pictures to a board

WILL: Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better.

KURT: I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.

"Good Point. Mr. Schue you never did tell us how lightening was in competition with and above-ground swimming pool." Santana said with a slightly malicious smile.

"Erm. You know what? I don't remember now." Mr. Schue said awkwardly.  
**  
WILL: Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want to get through sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side. Let's go, come on. All right.**

Kurt moves to group with the girls.

WILL: Kurt.

"Kurt, I'm sorry. I should have let you go with the group that you were most comfortable with." Mr. Schue apologised.

"Even though you did it twice?" Kurt replied sceptically.

"Especially then."

"Well at least the second time lead to me meeting Blaine. So I forgive you Mr. Schue."

"YAY! HAPPINESS EVERYWHERE!" Surprisingly to everyone, it was not Brittany who made this comment but Darren who then sheepishly hid his face in Chris' shoulder.****

Kurt moves back to the boys side.

WILL: Here's the deal. Two teams. Boys versus girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash-up of your choice.

PUCK: What's a mash-up?

WILL: A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression. Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay. Costumes, choreography. Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for sectionals.

RACHEL: Wait, who's going to be the judge? Your gender makes you biased.

WILL: Ah…There is going to be a celebrity judge.

TINA: Wh-who?

WILL: Oh, you're going to have to show up to find out.

MERCEDES: We got this in the bag.

RACHEL: Totally. I'm going to start storyboarding our choreography tonight.

The girls exit. Mr. Schue addresses the boys.

WILL: Hey, I hope you guys are up for this competition. The girls look pretty pumped.

ARTIE: We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.

Finn yawns.

WILL: Hey, Finn, you all right? You seem a little out of it.

FINN: Yeah, I'm just a little worn out.

PUCK: Come on, dude. We're late for football practice.

Sue is writing in her journal in her office.

SUE: Glee club! Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating, mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester. What is it about him, journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? The store-bought home perm? You know, journal, I noticed something yesterday.

Sue is talking to Terri at the Schuster household.

SUE: Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a hickory farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you.

"Wait, that was Sue's fault?!" Mr. Schue was outraged that Sue had interfered with his failing marriage.****

TERRI: What?! With who?

SUE: Guidance counsellor. Real floozy and a man-eater. Wears creepy brooches like the kind my nana was buried in. More tea.

TERRI: Oh, sorry.

Terri pours Sue more tea.

SUE: It's the same old song. Wife puts on a couple extra pounds…

TERRI: No, I'm pregnant.

SUE: Oh, that's no excuse. I've always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me? Never wanted kids. Don't have the time, don't have the uterus.

TERRI: Are you sure about this?

SUE: A woman always knows. Let me put it to you this way: If it's not a full-blown affair, well, it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them.

TERRI: Oh, god, what am I going to do?!

SUE: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.

TERRI: Now you're absolutely sure about this? I mean, you have proof?

SUE: Get into that school and sniff out those sex pheromones for yourself. We happen to have an opening. Our school nurse, Mrs. Lancaster, is in a coma. Oh, she took a terrible tumble down the stairwell yesterday.

*Flashback*

**Sue passes Mrs. Lancaster and trips her up. **

***End flashback***

TERRI: But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets n' Things.

SUE: I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the Panama Canal zone. But I managed to get a passport.  
I've run for office twice. My advice to you, if you want to keep your husband…get creative.

The next day Mrs. Schuester is talking to Figgins about being the school nurse.

FIGGINS: Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest in the nursing position, but your previous experience is limited to folding hand towels.

TERRI: As assistant manager at Sheets n' Things, I've had first aid training. I've also used a defibrillator.

FIGGINS: Huh.

In the teacher's lounge.

EMMA: So what did you want to talk to me about?

WILL: Oh, good news. I figured out a way to get the kids motivated. They're going to compete against each other in a glee-off. Oh. And guess who the celebrity judge is going to be? You.

EMMA: Me?

WILL: You are the most honest and impartial person I know.

TERRI: Well, isn't this a surprise.

WILL: Terri, wh-what are you doing here?

TERRI: (to Emma) Hi. I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Terri Schuester, Will's pregnant wife.

EMMA: Hi.

TERRI: Oh, honey, someone got a little lipstick on your cup. I got it.

WILL: Um, is everything okay, Terri? You-you never visit me at work.

TERRI: Oh, I'm not visiting. No. You've been so stressed about our finances lately, that I thought I would pitch in by getting a second job. I'm the new school nurse.

WILL: But you're not a nurse. You don't have any training.

TERRI: Oh, please, Will. It's a public school. Isn't this going to be great? And this means I am gonna be around all the time now.

Coach Ken Tanaka addresses the football team in the locker room.

KEN: Know. Your. Routes. Now that is the key to this play, gentlemen. The receivers run the fly route downfield and then block as the play develops, okay? Know your assignments. It's not…

FINN: (in voiceover) I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time. I can't keep my eyes open.

KEN: (distant, echoing) That's your only job is to know your assignments.

FINN: (still in voiceover) I know how lucky I am. Captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She's hot, popular, and she's carrying my baby and all, but I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out in a swimfan kind of way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking…if you're not into boobs. My body's a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day, and I have to rub biofreeze on my shins a couple times a day- growing pains. It smells pretty bad, but I mask it with drakkar noir.

FINN: Being a guy my age is tough. Between glee and football and school and being popular, I'm just kind of overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me, and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin, so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is last night I got vaporized on level two. LEVEL TWO. And I didn't even have the energy to care.

In the choir room Finn has fallen asleep.

KURT: (distant, echoing) He's drooling.

PUCK: Dude, wake up.

FINN: Sure, yeah, that sounds good.

PUCK: I said we can't let those girls beat us.

FINN: Sorry. Sometimes when I'm thinking real hard, it helps to close my eyes.

ARTIE: We're doing a mash-up of "It's My Life" and Usher's "Confessions."

PUCK: We should get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece.

ARTIE: Puck, with respect, you're more helpful when you don't contribute.

PUCK: (to Finn) Dude. What's wrong with you? Go see the nurse. Every day I say I have a headache, I sleep for three hours. I haven't attended a math class in two years.

FINN: Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work. 

**Finn leaves and heads to the nurse's office.**

In the dance room, the glee girls are gathered, Rachel walks in.

RACHEL: Okay, girls, we need to get started.

SANTANA: We're getting warmed up.

RACHEL: Where's Quinn?

BRITTANY: Probably down at the mall looking for elastic-waist pants.

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. We can't get complacent.

MERCEDES: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We're gonna do a mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking On Sunshine."

RACHEL: Yeah. That was my idea.

MERCEDES: Whatever. Come on, we can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it.

RACHEL: We can't just wing it.

MERCEDES: All those in favour of winging it? All those opposed? (Rachel raises her hand pointedly) Looks like the ayes have it.

"Whoa! Democracy!" Brittany cheered.****

Finn enters the nurse's office.

TERRI: Hi. How can I help you?

FINN: Hey, Mrs. Schuester.

TERRI: Uh-huh.

FINN: I'm Finn Hudson. I'm in glee with your husband.

"Well done. Make it look as if Mr. Schue was a high schooler why don't you Finn." Quinn scolded.****

TERRI: Oh, hi, Finn. Oh, wait a minute. Are you the one who's dating Quinn Fabray?

FINN: Yeah. Why?

TERRI: Oh, you have really good bone structure.

FINN: Yeah, um, I've been really tired lately and I was wondering if I could lie down in here for a while.

TERRI: Why don't you have a seat? Why don't you tell me a little bit about your sleep habits? What time do you go to bed?

FINN: Um, I don't know. Usually, after Skinemax starts playing regular movies again. And I'm normally tired, but lately I can't just fall asleep. It's like my brain won't shut up.

TERRI: Well, what are you thinking about? Oh, you can be honest with me. There's a code of silence in my office.

FINN: Okay, uh, football plays…

TERRI: Uh-huh.

FINN: Um, girls, dance steps… girls.

TERRI: Girls? But you're dating Quinn Fabray.

FINN: Yeah, but… Do you think a guy can be into two girls at once?

TERRI: No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy.

FINN: So can I take my nap now?

TERRI: Do you want to sleep through your life, Finn?

FINN: No, but I read once that teenagers need more sleep than infants.

TERRI: When I was in high school, I captained the cheerleading squad, I kept a perfect 4.0 GPA, I cultivated my popularity, and I maintained a loving relationship with the boy who would become my husband.

(Beat.)

TERRI: Wow. I don't even know how I did that. Wait a minute! Yes, I do. Pseudoephedrine. It's the stuff they put in decongestants to make them non-drowsy. It's kind of like a…well, like a vitamin. I would pop two of these blue meanies every morning and then I would be a firecracker for the rest of the day.

FINN: Are they safe?

TERRI: They're over-the-counter. They stock them next to the candy bars. Sweetie, I'm the school nurse. I know what I'm doing.

Finn enters the choir room, looking extremely energetic.

FINN: Hey, guys, how's it going? God, it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I can't wait to do the number. I'm ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let's get this joint jumping.

ARTIE: Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?

FINN: No, just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin. I feel fantastic. I can't wait to do the number. Let's do the number, and then afterwards, we can build a house for Habitat For Humanity.

PUCK: What kind of vitamin?

KURT: Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion.

FINN: Vitamin D. And I got you guys some.

*"It's My Life/Confessions Mash-up" plays. Featuring Finn, Kurt, Puck, Artie, Mike and Matt.*

WILL: Awesome, guys. Geez, I didn't know you had it in you. It's like somebody slipped something in your juice boxes. (addressing the girls) You ladies better bring it tomorrow. Otherwise, we've got our opening number for sectionals!

Rachel approaches Quinn at her locker.

RACHEL: I haven't seen you at glee rehearsals.

QUINN: I'm not superwoman. I know glee is your whole life but I have the Cheerios, I'm on honour roll, I have friends.

RACHEL: You don't have to be embarrassed. No one at glee is gonna judge you. Look, I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you.

QUINN: Why not? I've been awful to you.

RACHEL: That was before you knew what it felt like to be me. An outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate.

QUINN: How can you relate to what I'm going through?

RACHEL: You don't think people whisper about me in the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?

QUINN: That was me, actually.

RACHEL: Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a couple of months, that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls. It's fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You're actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because you lack my years of training.

QUINN: I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know?

RACHEL: I know.

Terri is on the phone.

TERRI: Hi. It's Terri.

HOWARD: Hi, Terri. This is Howard Bamboo.

TERRI: Yeah, I know that, Howard. Okay, you know how I'm moonlighting as a nurse? Well, I need a favour.

HOWARD: O-okay.

TERRI: Go to the drugstore and get me a couple of boxes of decongestant. I'm running low, and I want the children at McKinley to be healthy and happy.

HOWARD: Uh, h-how many boxes?

TERRI: Um…Thirty-six.

Terri hangs up the phone, Howard whimpers. Ken enters the nurse's office.

KEN: Hey, Terri.

TERRI: Oh, hi, Ken. What's up?

KEN: Can we talk frank?

TERRI: Uh…

KEN: Listen…We have a problem. I think my girlfriend is in love with your husband. And I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling was mutual.

TERRI: How long has this been going on?

KEN: I don't know. A couple months. I see them together all the time laughing, talking…All the stuff she never does with me.

TERRI: You know, I knew something was up. She couldn't keep her eyes off him at those Acafella clown shows.

KEN: Listen, has Will ever mentioned it to you?

TERRI: Oh, no, but he's too smart for that. I mean, just barely, but still. Oh, Ken, I gotta be honest with you. I only took this job so that I could keep an eye on him. We've got to put a stop to this so that I can get out of here. See, I'm not built to work five days a week.

KEN: Well, I've been thinking maybe that if you and I started seeing each other on the side, it might kind of cancel their thing out.

TERRI: Are you two still having sex? Because, you know, when that stops, something is up.

KEN: We actually haven't, um… had sex yet. She doesn't like to be touched. By me.

TERRI: Oh.

KEN: God, I love her so much. (Ken starts crying)

TERRI: Oh, uh…Okay. It's okay. There, there.

KEN: Look at the two of us. You pregnant, and me with psoriasis and one testicle that won't descend. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.

TERRI: Okay, that's enough. You know what? You have got to stop being such a baby. I cannot fix this unless you are willing to man up.

KEN: Okay. I'm sorry.

TERRI: Here's what you're going to do. You're going straight to the nearest department store to buy her an engagement ring. Then you're going to get down on one knee and you're going to ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you.

KEN: No. I can't do that. What if she says no? It might kill me.

TERRI: (she hands Ken a sheet of 'Vitamn D') Take two of these. Then nothing can stop you.

Rachel addresses the other girls in the choir room.

RACHEL: I told you guys.

SANTANA: We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour.

QUINN: Were they really that good?

RACHEL: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals and once again, I will be humiliated.

MERCEDES: How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good.

TINA: How did they d-d-do it?

Kurt stands in the doorway.

KURT: The real question is, "What were they on?" Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.

KURT: We all took something.

"TRAITOR!" all of the guys except Kurt, Finn, Chris and Darren shouted.****

Finn walks down the hallway and greets people as he goes.

FINN: (offering a high five to another jock) My man, got next week's plays all worked out. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Schue, got that paper on Bariloche, Argentina on your desk.

WILL: But it's not due for two weeks.

FINN: Damn straight. I am in the zone!

Rachel stalks up to Finn

RACHEL: Cheater.

FINN: I don't know what you're talking about.

RACHEL: You took performance enhancers before your mash-up. Kurt told me. It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's just plain wrong. It's also cheating, as a matter of fact, I'm going to start calling you F-Rod.

FINN: Hey, hey, back off. I'm nothing like a-rod, okay? I'd never take steroids. They make your junk fall off. Listen, Rachel, you don't know what it's like for me, the kind of pressure I'm under.

RACHEL: Oh, we all have pressures, but you know how I deal with it? The natural way, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine.

RACHEL: I'm up at 6:00 a.m. every day. I have my protein shake with banana and flaxseed oil, and by 6:10, I'm on the elliptical. You know how I motivate myself? Not with anything artificial. I set a goal and I won't rest until I reach it.

FINN: Yeah, well, that's personal pressure. If you don't meet your goal, you're the only one who loses. I have to be the quarterback, the male lead, and deal with a pregnant girlfriend who yells at me about ice cream, so, yeah, maybe I helped me and my team-mates out a little bit, but it's only because I'm sick and tired of working so hard and still losing.

RACHEL: Yeah, but winning by cheating isn't winning.

FINN: Oh, don't give me that. The only reason you're so pissed about this is 'cause you know you can't compete with us.

RACHEL: Oh, I am offended by that accusation. We haven't performed yet, but if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular.

FINN: Still isn't going to be as good. We're gonna win. You're gonna lose. Deal with it.

Terri is handing out 'Vitamin D' to all the glee girls.

TERRI: Everyone gets a dose. Oh, except for Quinn. You get folic acid. Mama. (whispers) It's good for the baby. (to Howard) Get the lead out, Howard. We have patients waiting.

RACHEL: Are you sure we should be doing this?

TERRI: Oh, it's over-the-counter. It's safe. You can trust me. I'm a nurse. It's good for you.

Rachel addresses their audience as the girls prepare for their number.

RACHEL: Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens, we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe. Because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism. Also angels.

*"Halo/Walking On Sunshine Mash-up" plays. Featuring Rachel, Quinn, Tina, Mercedes, Santana and Brittany.*

WILL: Ladies, I-I don't even know what to say. You did such a good job. I don't know what you guys did, but whatever it was, keep doing it. Our celebrity judge has her work cut out for her.

The bell rings and the glee club exits.

QUINN: Mrs. Schuester.

TERRI: Mm-hmm?

QUINN: I need to talk to you…About the baby.

TERRI: Is everything okay? Wait, you're not having it right now, are you?

**"OH MY GOD!" Everyone said, exasperated.**

"How does she even _survive_. I mean, even seven year olds know pregnancy lasts for 9 months" Puck questioned.  
**  
QUINN: What? No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?**

TERRI: Mm-hmm.

QUINN: I've been thinking about your offer.

TERRI: Yeah?

QUINN: I like my life. I like being a cheerleader. And I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I really like being in glee club. I have all of these great things in my life, and it already feels like too much. (whispers) I can't raise a baby.

TERRI: You know, honestly, I don't even know how you kids do it nowadays. I didn't have it this bad when I was your age. There weren't as many TV channels either, though. Is Finn okay with this? Because, you know, I don't want any baby daddy drama when you hand it over to me.

QUINN: He's the reason I'm doing this. He's such a good guy, and he internalizes all this pressure. He's gonna have a heart attack. I never want Mr. Schuester to find out about this, though. I don't want to hurt him, either.

TERRI: Well, your secret's safe with me. I have a lot more to lose.

QUINN: One more thing. You know how you gave me those vitamins for the baby?

TERRI: Mm-hmm.

QUINN: I really appreciated that, but I'm gonna have all these doctor's bills, and I'm gonna need some new maternity clothes.

TERRI: You want money from me?

QUINN: It's gonna be your baby.

TERRI: Which means I'm gonna be paying the bills for 18 years. I think you can handle nine months. Look, you're making the right call here, Quinn. It's what's best for everybody.

Finn approaches Rachel in the courtyard.

FINN: What's up, a-rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so energetic.

RACHEL: We were just taking a lesson from major league baseball. It's not cheating if everyone's doing it. We were just levelling out the playing field.

FINN: You really believe that?

RACHEL: No. Okay, I feel terrible. Even if we win, it's not gonna be satisfying.

FINN: I know. I don't even remember performing. What do you think we should do?

RACHEL: I think… the only way to make things right is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win.

FINN: Cool.

RACHEL: I'm sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable.

FINN: Ah, that's all right. I didn't even know what those words meant.

RACHEL: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.

Terri and Mr. Schue are fighting in Figgins' office.

WILL: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students?

TERRI: I'll say it again. They're over-the-counter, FDA-approved. And if I didn't give it to them, I'm sure the kids would just find a way to get it for themselves.

WILL: No, no, they wouldn't. These are good kids.

TERRI: Nothing bad happened.

FIGGINS: Howard Bamboo got arrested.

TERRI: Well, that.

WILL: Wait. what?

FIGGINS: Pseudoephedrine is an ingredient in the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.

TERRI: I never told Howard to get them all in one place.

WILL: Okay, enough, Terri. How are we supposed to raise a baby when I can't trust you to look after a group of teenagers? You are oblivious to consequences.

TERRI: I was only trying to help you, will.

WILL: Don't! Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.

FIGGINS: I have serious concerns about your judgment, Mrs. Schuester. I must ask you to resign as school nurse.

TERRI: Fine. I was working too hard anyway.

Mr. Schue and Terri get up to leave.

FIGGINS: Hold onto your horses, Schue. I have to question your judgment in the matter as well.

WILL: What? I had no idea this was even going on.

FIGGINS: Exactly. The children rely on you to create the culture. And you, with your obsession with winning and-and competition, has fostered an unsafe environment. I'm bringing in someone else to co-chair the glee club. Someone with a track record of responsibility and excellence.

In the choir room the students address Mr. Schue.

FINN: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.

RACHEL: We didn't mean to get you into trouble.

WILL: I'm really disappointed in you guys. Glee is supposed to be about what's inside your heart, not what's coursing through your veins.

RACHEL: We know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that we'd be happy to move forward and put this episode behind us.

WILL: Well, it's not that simple. Because of this debacle, it's been decided that I'm no longer fit to run glee club myself. We've been assigned a co-director.

RACHEL: Who?

Sue walks into the choir room.

SUE: Hey, kids. I gotta tell you, I'm just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little, uh, showbiz cruise. Ah, I can't wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the ritz a little bit.


	8. Chapter 8: Wheels

_A/N: Right, so the other day I decided to read through what I had written because I like reading it. When I write I pretty much forget the majority of the stuff I wrote so it's just like when you guys read it for me. I noticed that there really wasn't many comments at all throughout the episodes, that was because when I'm editing them in I'm scrolling down the screen really fast and that the pages compared to the fan fiction makes it seem like I haven't written much so I was like well I don't want to just write everywhere because it would be too much for you guys but now I see that I need to put more in so I shall try to do that, now I'm just rambling so I'll stop now and actually write a chapter._

_P.S. The offer of a one-shot of your choice from me if you send me a transcript is still open, I realised if you want to you may have trouble getting it through the reviews or PM system so just email it to ._

"Sorry, we've missed a lot of episodes at the start of the season here. I think that there are less missing later on." Chris apologised, looking a bit upset.

"Hey," Mike said, reaching over Darren to put his hand on Chris' shoulder, "We don't mind, we lived it, we know what happened."

"Thanks"

"Oi. Chris, we're supposed to be having fun, you know what that means." Darren said, grinning evily.

"NO, DARREN!" Chris shouted, trying to stand up and escape. Darren held on to Chris' waist, dragged him to the floor and straddled his hips. "Please Darren. Get off!" Chris was struggling beneath Darren.

"NEVER!" and with that Darren attacked Chris' sides with his fingers.

"S-S-Stop. P-P-Please, I C-can't breathe." Chris laughed.

Throughout all of this the glee club were sitting there, silently shipping them.

At some point Chris had managed to roll on top of Darren. "So, shall we start?" Chris asked, still a bit breathless.

**WILL: This isn't fair.**

"Way to sound like a child Mr. Schue" Sam said.****

FIGGINS: Is it fair that I had to stop providing the baseball team with protective cups? I only get a certain amount of dollars a year to spend, William.

WILL: Yeah, but Artie is-

FIGGINS: Is used to overcoming challenges. He'll just have to find his own ride to Sectionals. That Handi-capable bus costs $600 a week to rent. We can't afford it.

WILL: Oh, but there's enough money in the budget to fly the Cheerios all over the country for their competitions?

FIGGINS: Sue Sylvester has Boosters that write fat checks. None of her travel expenses come out of the school budget.

WILL: Look, when I was in the glee club, the best part of the competitions was the bus ride to the event. It was about camaraderie and supporting each other.

FIGGINS: You think I feel good about this?

WILL: Well, my students won't stand for it.

FIGGINS: That's very moving, but my hands are tied, Schue. If you want that bus, you're going to have to find a way to pay for it yourself.

Mr. Schue sighs.

In the choir room Tina watches as Artie ties his shoelaces. 

**WILL: All right, guys. We're doing a new number for Sectionals. I know that pop songs have sort of been our signature pieces, but I did a little research on past winners, and it turns out that the judges like songs that are more accessible. Stuff they know. Uh, standards, Broadway.**

KURT: (excitedly) 'Defying Gravity'? I have an iPod shuffle dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing.

"A WHOLE IPod? Why not just a playlist, Kurt?" Darren asked increadiously.

"Wicked deserves it's own IPod." Kurt replied defensively.****

Mr. Schue smiles at him.

WILL: Think you can handle it, Rachel?

RACHEL: It's my go-to shower song. It's also my ring tone.

Kurt looks crushed

MERCEDES: Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

WILL: Okay, we don't have time to rearrange a song for you, Mercedes. Rachel is singing it. Don't worry, we'll find something for you to dip in chocolate.

They laugh. Finn looks confused.

WILL: On to item two. The school won't pay for the special bus we need to take Artie and his wheelchair with us to sectionals.

TINA: W-w-what?!

RACHEL: That's completely unfair.

WILL: So we're going to have to raise money to pay for it ourselves. See, when I was in glee club, and we needed new silk cummerbunds for regionals, we held a bake sale.

Pause. Scattered laughter

SANTANA: You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of bougie.

WILL: So hip people stopped eating delicious sugary treats?

BRITTANY: It's not that? It's most of us? Don't know how to bake? I find … recipes confusing.

RACHEL: My family is fully committed to takeout.

WILL: Yeah, Mr. Schue, kids are busier than when you went here. We've got homework and football and teen pregnancy … lunch.

MERCEDES: Can't Artie's dad just take him?

WILL: I can't believe how insensitive you're all being. Are you a team?

QUINN: Of course. But Artie understands, don't you, Artie?

ARTIE: Oh… Of course. I-It's cool. Anything that takes away our time from rehearsing doesn't serve the team.

The school bell rings. Everyone leaves but Artie, who goes to tie his shoelace.

WILL: Let me help you out, buddy.

ARTIE: Thank you.

WILL: Hey, I'm really sorry about how they all reacted, Artie.

ARTIE: Oh, it's okay. I'm used to it. They just don't get it… Can I use the auditorium this afternoon to rehearse, Mr. Schue? Some of the band equipment's in there.

WILL: Sure.

Artie wheels away.

Artie is on stage, in the auditorium, by himself with a guitar. He starts to sing a jazzy version of 'Dancing with Myself'. When he's finished, he leaves the stage. Mr. Schue was backstage watching him.

The glee club is assembled in the choir room.

KURT: I have something I'd like to say. I want to audition for the wicked solo.

There are murmurs of encouragement

WILL: Kurt, there's a high F in it.

KURT: That's well within my range.

"Go Kurt." Darren stated.

"Hey, Kurt what is your vocal range exactly?" Mr. Schue asked.

"A2-Bb5, 3 octaves one semitone" Kurt and Chris replied at the same time. Everyone turned to look at Chris.

"What? It's my range too." Chris said.****

There are several ooooh's.

WILL: Well, I think Rachel's going to be fine for the female lead, but I'm happy to have you try out something else, Kurt. And we'll make sure it's got a killer high note.

"That was a bit hypocritical Mr. Schue." Chris said quietly.****

Kurt sits back down. The others murmur.

ARTIE: You tried.

WILL: Anyway, I wanted to say something to you guys. I was a little disappointed at how you were all so willing to take the bus to get to sectionals and make Artie drive by himself with his dad. We're a team, guys. We're in this glee club together.

MERCEDES: Artie doesn't care. His dad drives him everywhere.

ARTIE: I do care. It kind of hurt my feelings.

RACHEL: We didn't think you would take it personally.

ARTIE: Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.

"Why are you all being so stupid in this episode?" Darren said. The glee club members all looked ashamed at this.****

WILL: I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder Artie has to work just to keep up.

ARTIE: Preach.

WILL: We're riding to sectionals together. Or we're not going at all. And to pay for the bus, we're having a bake sale.

There are groans and murmurs of displeasure. Mr. Schue goes to the door to let in several people pushing empty wheelchairs.

WILL: St. Ignatius nursing home was having a tag sale, and my AV club friends here agreed to help out. For the next week, each of you is going to spend three hours a day in a wheelchair.

There are shocked faces.

WILL: Oh, oh, oh. And we're doing a wheelchair number.

Finn is wheeling down the hallway. He gets hit in the face by many bags.

Rachel, in her wheelchair, eagerly receives her lunch which looks grey and slimy. When she has it in her lap, someone knocks the tray and she gets a faceful.

Quinn is in the home economics room surrounded by baking materials. Puck comes in.

PUCK: I didn't even know we had a home ec room. What's all this?

QUINN: Ingredients for cupcakes. For the stupid bake sale.

Puck sighs and puts a wad of cash in Quinn's hand.

QUINN: What's this?

PUCK: It's what I have left over from my pool cleaning money. After I bought dip. And nunchakus. I was getting that you kinda need money. For our kid.

QUINN: For *my* kid. (She counts the money) 18 dollars.

PUCK: How much has Finn given you?

QUINN: Just stop. I told you before, I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk, I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.

She hands him back the money

PUCK: It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a Mohawk.

Quinn smiles

QUINN: (affectionately) You are such an egghead.

PUCK: I'm not.

They share an intense moment. To break the tension, Quinn grabs an egg and cracks it on his head. He is shocked. Quinn tries to contain her laughter. Puck grabs a handful of flour and flicks it in Quinn's face. Quinn throws chocolate powder on him. Puck throws two handfuls of chocolate powder on her.

QUINN: (squealing) Ah! That was perfectly measured!

They continue to food fight. There is much squealing and laughing. It ends with them standing very close to each other. Puck caresses Quinn's face. Finn walks in.

FINN: What the hell?

They break apart. Puck sighs. Quinn chuckles.

QUINN: We're baking!

FINN: I can see that.

PUCK: I'm gonna go change.

Puck walks out

Burt open a box of donuts.

BURT: Where's my jelly crème centre?

KURT: Sorry, dad, I must've forgotten.

BURT: What's up with your brain today? You know, I think it's going soft from all that crap you put in your hair.

"You're Dad isn't very good at handling things yet is he?" Tina pointed out. Kurt glared at her.  
**  
KURT: It's organic and I'm fine. I'm sorry, it's a glee club thing.**

BURT: It's not about a guy, is it? 'Cause I'm not ready to have that conversation.

KURT: Oh, at least you don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant.

Kurt chuckles. Burt looks uncomfortable.

KURT: It's not a guy. We're doing this amazing song for sectionals, a personal favourite of mine, and Mr. Schuester won't give me a chance to sing it.

BURT: Why?

KURT: It's traditionally sung by a girl.

BURT: Well, you sing like a girl. You know, in a good way.

Kurt nods.

BURT: Look, Kurt, I don't know how this music stuff works. I'm pretty exclusively committed to my Mellencamp collection. But isn't there more crossover nowadays? You know, chicks doing construction, guys wearing dress shoes with no socks? Didn't that girl from your high school just join the boy's wrestling team?

KURT: Yes, but her parents had to sue the school.

Burt studies his face.

BURT: This is really getting you down, isn't it?

KURT: I'm full of ennui.

"No one, and I mean _no one_, knows what that means Hummel. Stop trying to be posh." Puck bristled, not wanting to admit that Kurt knew more than him.****

BURT: So, it's … *really* getting you down?

KURT: Yes.

Burt and Will are meeting with Figgins in his office.

BURT: You can't discriminate against my kid because of his sex, religion, political affiliation or the fact that he's queer as a three dollar bill. And I won't accept it.

"Straight to the point as always, Dad." Said Kurt, with a small smile on his face.****

FIGGINS: This isn't academics or athletics, Mr. Hummel. It's an arts program and Mr. Schuster's judgments are subjective.

BURT: You put on a blindfold and listen to my kid sing, and you will swear you're hearing Ronnie Spector.

WILL: Wait.

BURT: Don't try to backpedal on this, Schuester.

WILL: I was just going to agree with you.

*Flash-forward*

All the kids are in their wheelchairs. Will is talking to Rachel.

WILL: I know this is going to be hard on you, Rachel, but I can't, in good conscience, preach about the importance of helping Artie and then reject Kurt's request out of hand.

RACHEL: So, you're giving him my part?

*End Flash-forward*

WILL: Now, I can't just give him the part. That would be just as wrong, but I can let him audition.

BURT: What do you mean, like a try-out? All right, that seems fair.

In the choir room with the whole glee club.

**RACHEL: This is totally unfair. You gave me the part.**

WILL: And I will give it to you again. If you can sing the song better than Kurt.

WILL: Now, all of you are going to judge, and in the spirit of full access, each of you is going to get a vote. Whatever singer has the most votes, gets the part.

RACHEL: This isn't going to be about talent, Mr. Schuester. It's going to be a popularity contest.

KURT: Stop right there. Mr. Shue, if I may.

Kurt wheels to the front of the room and faces the rest of the group.

KURT: We all know I'm more popular than Rachel. And I dress better than her. But I want you all to promise me that you're going to vote for whoever sings the song better. Raise your right hand.

Everyone raises their right hand with varying levels of enthusiasm. Brittany raises her left hand.

KURT: Your *right* hand, Brittany.

Santana pats Brittany's right hand.

SANTANA: (whispers) It's this one.

BRITTANY: Sorry

KURT: Repeat after me. I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.

ALL: I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better.

Kurt smiles. He faces Rachel.

KURT: It's on.

"Because that will make sure that no one votes for who they like best rather than who sings better. It's like a pinkie swear. Only Brittany pays attention to it." Puck comments.

"Hey, firstly, pinkie swears are sacred. Secondly, I was younger then. I certainly was not as awesome then as I was then. Leave me alone." Kurt spoke sharply.****

He does a twirl on his wheelchair and goes back to his position amongst the group. The school bell rings

WILL: All right, guys.

Everyone but Rachel leaves.

RACHEL: Maybe one of these days you'll find a way to create teaching moments without ruining my life.

"Over-dramatic much?" Mercedes said what everyone was thinking.

"I reserve the right to the same excuse as Kurt, I was younger then, and not nearly as awesome as I am now." Rachel said in her holier-than-thou tone.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves now." Mercedes said in reference to the fact that Rachel thought that she was awesome.****

She goes to exit and bumps her wheelchair into the doorway on the way out.

Finn, Puck, Quinn and Santana sit at a table under a banner that reads 'WMHS GLEE CLUB Handi-capable BUS BAKE SALE'. FINN offers a cupcake to a passing student but they ignore him. He smells the cupcake.

FINN: These cupcakes suck. That's why we're not selling any.

QUINN: It's not about the cupcakes. It's about us. Nobody wants to buy from losers. We're in glee club *and* in wheelchairs.

PUCK: She has a point. Six months ago I could've sold 50 of these things on fear alone.

They see Brittany, minus her wheelchair, walking with Becky.

QUINN: Oh, my god. What is she doing?!

FINN: I actually think they're kind of friends.

PUCK: Brittany is always cheating off her test papers in math class.

"Wait, Puck goes to math class?" Darren asked with surprise.****

Brittany and Becky come up to the table

BRITTANY: See, so many? And look how pretty they are, Becky.

BECKY: Wow.

SANTANA: Brittany, you're supposed to be in your wheelchair.

BRITTANY: I lost it.

BECKY: (to Santana) Are you a cheerleader? It's so cool.

BRITTANY: So is buying a cupcake. That's really cool.

BECKY: But I don't have any money.

BRITTANY: That's okay, I have some.

Brittany takes some money out of her bag and hands it to Becky. Becky then hands it to Santana. Santana grimaces as she accepts it and passes it to Quinn, who passes it to Puck. Santana gives Becky her cupcake.

BECKY: Thanks.

Brittany waves goodbye to Becky and she leaves.

BRITTANY: So, how much do we have now?

FINN: Well, with this one dollar, we have… one dollar.

QUINN: This is ridiculous.

FINN: Well, maybe if we put a jelly bean or something on top we'd sell more.

"Jelly beans solve everything." Stated Chris. Everyone stared at him until he twisted around to burrow into Darren's shoulder and mumbled "I can't help if I like jelly beans."****

Everyone, including Brad, is on stage with their wheelchairs. Artie is teaching them some tricks.

ARTIE: The key to a double turn is to just go for it. You push with the right wheel and pull as hard as you can with the left, and find a spot on the wall to spot you so you don't get dizzy.

Everyone starts doing double turns, with varying levels of enthusiasm and success.

WILL Okay, guys, take five, all right? Oh, remember to show up early on Thursday. It's Rachel versus Kurt for the big solo.

Kurt is sitting at the piano, labelling certain keys. He puts a gold star on a high F. He starts singing ascending high notes.

Burt is finishing with a customer when he gets a phone call.

BURT: (answering the phone) Hummel tire and lube. Yeah. Who is this?

MAN ON PHONE: Your son's a fag.

The stranger hangs up. Burt looks angry.

**Kurt hits the high F and smiles triumphantly.**

Burt is angrily trying to make a pot of coffee. Kurt comes in.

KURT: Hey, dad.

BURT: What the hell is wrong with this machine?

"'Cause everything is the machine's fault." Kurt said quietly, trying to defuse the tension.****

Kurt takes over with the coffee machine.

KURT: I hit it, the high F. The magical note I need for "Defying Gravity." I hit it. It means I'm going to win.

BURT: That's great. Good for you. Just how long till the damn coffee's ready?

KURT: What's going on?

BURT: I got a phone call this morning. The anonymous kind. It was some dude telling me my son was a fag.

KURT: Oh. Well, that's not a big deal. I get that all the time.

The whole glee club frowned. They didn't know that Kurt went through this on a regular basis.****

BURT: Yeah, but I don't. Now look, Kurt, I… I try to do right by you, you know, open some doors. What father wouldn't do that for his kid? And I know it's good for you to be out there with all this glee club stuff. I just… I don't want you to get hurt.

KURT: So you don't want me to audition for the solo?

BURT: No, no, let me be clear, all right? No one pushes the Hummels around. Especially cowards on the phone. Sometimes I just… I wish your mom was still around, you know? She was better at handling this kind of thing, you know, handling me. Well, congrats on, uh… You know, the cool A or the high C or whatever.

KURT: High F.

BURT: Yeah.

Brittany, Quinn, Puck, and Santana are at their cupcake table again, only this time it's being swarmed with customers

BRITTANY: (to a customer) I know, I know, I know, I know.

Mr. Schue fights his way to the front of the line.

WILL: Hey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, this is amazing.

SANTANA: (helping herself to a cupcake) Hi. Puck found his Nana Connie's old recipe. They're addictive. Do you want one? 

"Should you trust Puck with things like this, there's probably drugs in it." Kurt said.****

She thrusts the cupcake she's eating in his face.

WILL: No, no, thanks. Don't want to take one away from a paying customer.

SANTANA: Yeah, no, sure.

WILL: (to Puck) Hey, nice work, buddy.

They fist bump.

SANTANA: These are so good.

Santana's eyes glaze over and she stares off into the distance, continuing to lick the frosting off the cupcake.

PUCK: (voice-over) This isn't Nana Connie's old recipe. She couldn't cook at all. She was a diabetic, so the only sweets she had in her house was dried fruit.

Puck is by himself, baking cupcakes. He looks like he's winging it.

PUCK: (voice-over) I knew I had to do something to help Quinn out with our baby. I don't know what kind of stuff you need for a baby that's still in your stomach. Bottles, diapers, that kind of thing, I guess. But my baby mama was going to get it all.

"Well, we know something's not right then. At least you had good intentions." Darren said.****

Puck wheels up to Sandy under the bleachers.

PUCK: (voice-over) To make sure that happened, I used the two things I know the most about: lying and crime.

SANDY: Is there a lot of pain, Noah?

PUCK: (sobbing) The doctor said the shark fractured my spinal cord.

SANDY: This is why I don't go to the aquarium.

He pulls a packet of 'Chronic Lady' out of his pocket.

SANDY: I'm going to give you as much as you want, 20 cents on the dollar.

Puck sits there, counting the money, with a triumphant smile on his face.

PUCK: (voice- over) I don't put in enough to get you hallucinating, Just enough to give you a wicked case of the munchies. That's why they keep coming back for more. Puck and Quinn smile at each other.

**"And there's the drugs." Kurt said.**

"Oh my god, you gave us drugs. What if something had happened? It could have affected my singing." Rachel said.****

PUCK: (voice- over) See? I told you I'd make a great dad.

Rachel walks in. Most of the club is gathered around Kurt. Finn walks up to her.

FINN: Good luck. (whispers) I'm rooting for you.

Rachel smiles shyly. Quinn is not pleased.

WILL: All right, welcome to the glee club's first official diva-off.

Everyone cheers and takes their seats.

WILL: Let's get this party started.

Kurt and Rachel both sing 'Defying Gravity'. Their performances are edited together into a montage. When the song comes up to the high F, Kurt's voice cracks while Rachel manages to nail it. Everyone applauds. Mercedes gives Kurt an encouraging smile. He returns it somewhat disappointedly.

"Wait, you through the note? Now that evaluation of my singing is inaccurate. When we get back we are going to re-do the diva-off." Rachel demanded.

"Kurt, why would you do that? I know how much that song meant to you." Mercedes said quietly.

"Well, my Dad doesn't deserve to get the kind of hate that he did for having a gay son. I'm used to it. I know you will all say that I shouldn't have to be used to it, but I am. My Dad isn't he hasn't had to deal with it his whole life. So I try to take as much of it away from him as possible." Kurt said while staring at his hands which were in his lap.

Everyone just sat quietly and thought about how strong Kurt was to do that for his father.****

WILL: Good job, Kurt. Good job.

Puck hands the wad of cash to Mr. Schue.

PUCK: Twelve hundred dollars. That's enough for the show bus and two cases of Natty Light for the ride home.

WILL: Oh, dream on, buddy.

The group cheers and applauds.

WILL: I'm very proud of you guys. Artie… Why don't you bring this to Principal Figgins yourself?

The group cheers and applauds again. Artie looks hesitant.

FINN: What's wrong, dude?

ARTIE: I really appreciate what you guys did for me, but I'm not the only kid in a wheelchair at this school. And I'm sure there will be others after I graduate. And I know how important it is for all of us to go to sectionals together, but I think I'd rather just get a ride from my dad and use this for a handicapped ramp in the auditorium.

WILL: Any objections?

FINN: Well, sure beats having to carry him in every day.

The group chuckles. Mr. Schue smiles proudly at Artie.

Figgins is smiling at Mr. Schue enthusiastically.

WILL: You think she has a brain tumor? That can cause erratic behaviour.

FIGGINS: All I know is that she walked in unannounced and she wrote me a check for three new handicapped ramps.

WILL: I just don't get it. I mean, first putting Becky in Cheerios, now this.  
What is her angle?

FIGGINS: Why ask why? Just enjoy the fact that you're getting your bus after all.

Sue is signing in to the visitor's log.

SUE: How's she doing?

RECEPTIONIIST: Great. She asks about you. She's been watching you on TV.

SUE: I need to get here more often.

RECEPTIONIIST: Oh, you get here plenty.

Sue and the Receptionist walk in.

RECEPTIONIIST: Jean? Your little sister's here to see you.

JEAN: Hey, sue!

SUE: Hi. Hi, honey!

JEAN: My sister is famous.

SUE: You got that right. I got something for you. What's this?

Sue takes a pom-pom out of her bag.

JEAN: Wow! A pom-pom! Thank you.

SUE: That's for you. What do you feel like doing today?

JEAN: Can we read today?

SUE: Look what I have!

Sue holds up a book.

JEAN: Little red riding hood!

SUE: Right. Your favourite book.

Jean waves the pom-pom around.

SUE: Want to start at the beginning?

JEAN: Yes.

SUE: All right. You ready?

JEAN: Ready.

Sue smiles affectionately at her sister and takes her hand. Jean holds it in both of hers.

SUE: "Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in the forest. Whenever she went out, the little girl wore a red riding cloak, so everyone in the village called her little red riding hood." (Smiles) Right?

JEAN: Right.

"She's like a whole different person around her sister." Mr. Schue said in wonder.****

Burt is drilling something. Kurt walks in.

KURT: Hey, dad. What are you doing?

BURT: I'm making biscuits. What does it look like I'm doing? How did the try-out go?

KURT: They gave the part to Rachel.

BURT: I knew they were going to rig it. I'm going down to that school and I'm talking to Schuester.

KURT: I blew the note. I wanted to lose.

BURT: Kurt, I stuck my neck out for you, And you go and you throw the game?

KURT: Dad, I've known who I was since I was five. I adapted. Being different made me stronger. And at the end of the day, it's what's going to get me out of this cow town. You never had to do that.

BURT: I can handle myself just fine.

KURT: No, you can't. Not about this. That phone call yesterday was just the beginning. Especially if I get up in front of a thousand people to sing a girl's song. When I saw you right after you got the call, and you were so hurt and so upset … It just killed me. I'm not saying I'm going to hide in the closet. I'm-I'm proud of who I am. I'm just saying that I love you more than I love being a star.

BURT: (tearing up) You are your mother. You know, she was always the strong one … Look, uh, you want to help me put a 195 on this bad boy, huh?

KURT: Let me change into my coveralls. This sweater's an Alexander McQueen.

"Wait, Kurt can fix cars?" Artie said, impressed.

"Well my Dad owns a garage. I grew up around cars. I could probably take apart a car, put it together again and have it running better than before, faster than any of you could replace your brake fluid." Kurt sassed back.

"Wait, brakes have fluid?" Sam said, confused.

"YES!" Kurt said incredulously.

"Okay, let's calm down. It's getting late, so I think we should stop here and get ready to go to sleep." Chris announced, standing up while trying to wriggle out of Darren's grasp. "I think that we should all sleep in here so that we won't have any problems with sleeping arrangements."


End file.
